cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I don't have much to say about today other than the fact that I've been doing better than expected today. Maybe it's because of zoning out, but... I don't think it's that bad today. Of course, that makes me worry that I'm going to blow up later, which is likely. I don't know. This is weird.

Partner is still at the beach. I went on a walk--movement suggested for me to do after surgery--with my dad. It helped me realize that my legs are still wobbly, and I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was, but it was nice to move around for once. Now I'm still hooked up to the bone stimulator and just got the PICC line running. At least these things are a good excuse for not moving or trying to get much done around the house. 

Now I'm back to BDO and phone games, both of which require me to do nothing and just wait sometimes. Then I don't know what to do (orrr start writing this post).

Since I mentioned getting stuff done around the house, maybe I'll go more into that and at least stop avoiding thoughts about it. The whole house is a mess. Honestly, I think most of my family has given up on it. That includes me. I don't know the last time I had a clear head and motivation to work on something. Doing 5 minutes of work at a time worked at first... now I'm having a hard time doing that, or even looking in different directions. Now, fixing all of these messes sounds impossible.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I guess this would be true in more ways than one. The FP has left for his beach trip, with its approach probably being connected to the random bouts of paranoia I've been getting. (No, this is not an excuse for how I act or treat people when I am feeling that way.) It's a big impact on him, too, and randomly turning on him has to be making it worse. Not a good setup. It's also a "big day" to some other people apparently. My dad just left for a wedding with his big tripod and lots of other things. (He's really into photography. I don't know if I'd even call it a "hobby" anymore.) I'm assuming someone in his family is getting married again. Pretty sure there was at least one divorce recently.

I'll probably be home zoning out. Like usual, nothing feels worth doing unless it's instantly rewarding. If I get too obsessive with something, especially while in this depressed/zoned out state, it drags me further into it. I probably need to do a variety of things and stop feeding this state. But what's beyond this state? How do I know that changing my state of mind will be worth the effort. For all I know, it could be impossible. I don't know. 

Just need to stop making this impact him. It's kind of late to come up with a plan, though.

Honestly, I think emotions began building up a while ago. Or there was some change. I almost thought the trip would be okay because, most of the time, my emotions didn't have much of a reaction to it. I've seen him go on this trip for several years now, and I couldn't remember ever feeling this calm about it... except maybe after he's left, when I'm able to go deep into a dissociative state. But soon before the surgery, I think I started getting some auditory hallucinations for the first time in a while. It's hard to remember with my brain throwing memories in the trash, but I think it's been even worse over the past few days. Come to think of it, I've also barely slept over the past few nights. I've also barely slept for two days, something I almost thought was unrelated to the beach trip because, for much of the time, I was really numb and felt okay. Me, a narcolept, has barely slept for two days. And this sort of thing rarely happens to me unless I feel overly restless and energetic--certainly not numb. So, yeah, I think this stuff affects my unconscious long before I'm aware of something being wrong.

Wow, it's only about 1PM right now. So used to an hour going by in what feels like 10 minutes.

My FP has so much has so much ahead of him. He's doing well in his classes, got invited to join an internship program, is probably the most sympathetic person I know, has what looks like a supportive family, and... so many other things. And now I'm negatively impacting all of that. 

Why am I sitting here complaining when I need to work on getting it under control? Probably should go to counseling again (there were a few problems the last few times). It just... sounds so overwhelming. I'm on medication. It takes a while to figure out what's working in that area, too. It'd be a lot simpler if I never met him/got close to him and none of this ever happened. I don't know how much counseling helped anyway. They did a lot to redirect my anger and realize something that might be having a negative effect on me, which cleared things up for all of us, but... I don't know how it's supposed to help. This reminds me of being in the car back from counseling after 6+ months of going weekly, and they'd ask about improvement (or one of them would). I could never tell. Now when I think about talk therapy at least, it sounds weird to think so much about improvement. Maybe it's just me. It's kind of like one of the mindfulness rules: Your goal is not to change or feel better; it is to help you live in the present moment. (Something like that.) 

Anyway, my mind blanked out, and that's probably a good thing. Be back with another not-so-great and way-too-personal mess of an entry soon probably!! 

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Wow, I usually wouldn't be saying this after being kind of inactive on DW for this amount of time, but a lot has happened over the past... *checks date of last entry* two weeks. Here I am already stressing over how to word things. Plus my hands are apparently really shaky today, sol typing to begin with is a challenge. My "editing" (even though I try not to care about that on here anyway) can be fixing all these typos. 

I've actually been here silently trying to catch up on people's posts. Today, I finally read (or skimmed or skipped posts about things I wasn't familiar with enough to understand) through everything, and I'm back at the front of my reading page. My next step, because my brain gets angry at me for not doing things in a specific order, is to go through and hopefully finish responding to comments. I don't know why they scare me so much. Actually, while going through my reading page, I found several posts that I felt like I could comment on!!! What happened? With the amount of time and energy it'd probably take, and all the other things I've been trying to get done, I put it off for the time being. Just thought I'd say that in cause it meant anything to anyone.

For some reason, I'm allowed to write this in the middle of the reading/responding to comments process. Just want everyone to know that I want to and will (unless something new stops me) at least read all of them. 

Anyway, yeah, things have been busy. And at the same time, there is never enough going on. I'm still in recovery from getting a C1-C2 fusion along with a bone being removed to aid the infusion and allow spinal fluid to drain more easily. (There was a name for the second part, but it's really long and never sticks in my head... unlike the spinal fluid.) Then I've been spending a lot of time either zoning out (more than usual) because it's the time of the year when my FP, who is also my partner, has to spend a lot of time away. The hardest part of that for me is him going on the yearly beach trip with his family and some old friends. Yes, I'm aware that none of that makes sense. In the waiting period after the surgery and before the beach trip, I've been sleeping, obsessively getting into phone games (it's been a while), and trying to catch up with what people have posted online. 

Wayyy too many words about my surgery and post-surgery experiences )
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I was thinking that I would start posting regularly again, but things have been a little... hectic. It feels like there's too much going on, yet never enough to make life meaningful. When it comes to DreamWidth, I've been hoping to catch up on posts I haven't read and read and reply to comments before posting again. Truth is- I'm a slow reader who has added way too much to my reading page at once. Then there's comments... I usually have a hard time even getting myself to read them because some part of my brain that if I ignore and forget about them, they'll cease to exist. I guess that's true in a way. But no, I need to try to be social. Generally, I feel better connecting to other people--in some ways at least--anyway. The times I do feel worse off, it's because of some irrational problem I need to work through. At the very least, experiencing the problem again will remind me that it exists. I have a tendency to "delete" as many bad memories, emotions, etc. as possible. It's not a horrible ability to have, but it's to the point where I can't control it. If I'm going to be here, I want some memories. Bad memories might make life sound like it's not worth the hassle, but good memories can be a reminder of why living is still worth it. I'm really grateful for [personal profile] woofelss  to keep many of those good memories for me... and tell me about them at the right times.

That got a bit off-topic.

A lot has happened since my last post, and I don't know how to break it up. If I put all of it in one post, it would be very, very long and probably get more unorganized. Maybe I can put together a quick overview of basic events.
  • I had cervical surgery and am going through recovery
  • I spent some time in the hospital, which was interesting
  • I finally got a new mouse (the last mouse was horrible and did a lot of weird things a mouse shouldn't have the power to do) and mousepad and am waiting for a more functional headset
  • I've probably researched and learned some things out of curiosity
  • I saw a friend (?) I haven't seen in a while... still not sure what he thinks of me
  • I'm still enviously listening to my brother improve on the bass
  • Things have changed in my family in multiple ways, and I don't even know where to begin there
  • I've been in a pretty low place mentally for a while now
And that's what came to mind at that moment. I'll probably go more into depth at some point. Waiting for [personal profile] woofelss to get back from his (last) class, and we'll probably end up calling and playing a game together after that. For now, I think I'll continue going through my reading list, check on some updates from elsewhere, and possible play some Black Desert

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I was hoping to write something before the surgery scheduled on the 26th (AKA tomorrow), but I've just been so overwhelmed over the past week. Family problems, paranoia, stress, pain, and all the stuff we have to get done before surgery (much more than I expected at least) have me sitting here with less brain power than usual. Now it's past 1AM, and... I can't even remember what I was going to say. I really wanted to write the past few days, but they're already being pushed deeper into my memory. 

Yesterday I'm pretty sure [personal profile] woofelss  followed through with a last-minute plan to meet up with someone we used to hang out with. Thinking the person has been trying to avoid me, I wasn't sure about the plan, but [personal profile] woofelss  pushed the idea so I'd do something social. After all, he hasn't picked up any negative signs from that person, and I generally trust him more than I trust myself. We also went to a presurgery checkup earlier that day, and getting out of the DC area took two hours longer than expected this time. So we ended up only getting two hours with them, though they both got to see each other for a few hours before I showed up. That should've been fine, but paranoia isn't easy to control. It ended up being fun anyway--just probably spent more time feeling strong negative emotions before + after the event than positive emotions during the event (if my half-asleep words make any sense). I don't know if it was worth it.

Today, I signed a few documents on what is to be done when I am dead or unable to make decisions. [personal profile] woofelss showed up after his classes and is planning to spend the night and hang around the hospital on surgery day. 

Now? I'm exhausted, and I still have more to do. I had to take a shower tonight and will have to take one at about 6AM tomorrow. (Before today, the plan was to leave around 3-4AM, so I just decided hat I wouldn't sleep. Apparently, that's when the doctors who are more aware of my conditions are available. Not sure how I feel about that change. I'll go along with, though.) Then I have take meds at a specific time. Blah, this is starting to look glitchy on my iPPad, so Ill probably just sleep now.

Unsure

Apr. 20th, 2017 08:50 pm
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
There's been a lot going on for me lately, so prepare for more negative posts than usual (not that I have many posts on here anyway). I spend a lot of time trying not to process negative thoughts, and when I write on here, I can kind of touch the surface of doing that. Maybe I'll be able to talk about more difficult subjects in the future.

What's been going on? To be honest, it takes a while for me to fish it out of my brain. I'll try to list some things.
  1. Spine/brain surgery. This one hasn't affected me too much, possibly because I disconnect from so many things and can't tell what I'm feeling until it gets bad (ooops...). The thing I'm most worried about has to be the recovery time. I don't know if I can handle being even more stuck in the house mentally. 
  2. Possibly moving to New Mexico. Almost forgot about this one. The plan is to move by next fall. Don't get me wrong. I love traveling and spending time in different places, but I have some pretty bad experiences with moving that aren't directly related to the move itself. It's complicated and a scary subject for me.
  3.  My FP might have to go on a beach trip with some old friends. This is probably the scariest thing for me even though it sounds like nothing. It's happened before, but my brain seems to delete memories like that. I'm scared of my paranoid ideas finally being proved as true, and I'm scared of entering a rage due to finding something like that out. It doesn't sound reasonable, but talking me out of it won't help. If anything, it'll probably make me more suspicious of you. I'm trying to work through this and improve.
  4. Family drama. I'm not going to publically go into detail, but there's been a lot of chaos in my family lately. Recently, I found out that it's a bigger deal than I thought. Overall, it adds to all the confusion and makes it harder to trust anyone's perceptions, including mine.
And that's what came to mind (on top of the usual difficulties). I don't know what I'm going to do right now. This was written to try to express and organize my thoughts by the way. No need for commenting or anything. 

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
My brain has been a swirling pile of mush lately, so I might be wishywashy and have problems making up my mind for a while. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how I want to use DreamWidth. It'll probably take some time to figure it out. In the mean time, if I do something that comes across rude like take a while to respond or revoke access, there's a very low chance it's about you. If this helps, I haven't found a single person I dislike on here so far. Anyway, I'm going to (possibly unnecessarily) explain some things. Even if no one needs to hear it, I'll probably feel better after explaining.
  1. Replying to and even reading comments on my entries can be extremely difficult at times... but I'm happy for the interaction!! I tend to isolate and am usually very lonely, so comments bring in a mix of emotions. And please don't feel obligated to comment on anything I post! This journal is mostly for keeping track of thoughts and life, and I've never expected to actually get comments on anything (though I still wanted to make it public for some reason). Another little thing to keep in mind is that, even though I want different views and criticism, I can feel attacked/hated by others very easily and shut down. Again, this does not mean that you did anything wrong at all!!!! Anyway, getting to the point, no pressure to comment on any of my entries, and how I respond (or don't respond) to your comments doesn't reflect you at all!!
  2. I don't know how I want to give out access yet. When I first participated in the [community profile] 2017revival group, I found more people to subscribe to than expected... and almost all of them granted me access. I granted access to the first few people and soon realized that there were so many people coming in that it was hard to keep up with everyone. Then I thought about my more private posts being visible to the unexpected amount of people and am really conflicted right now. I'm usually okay with oversharing with random people on the internet, but now it sounds like having that control is nice, and I feel weird granting access to a bunch of people when I have to go back and check who they are! (sorry.) If I don't grant you access back, I'm probably trying to settle down and get to know you first. If I revoke access, it's not you. It means I'm trying to organize the journals I connect with and have some things to figure out.
  3. This is where I plan to store memories and my unfinished thoughts. I want to be able to freely do that without fear (unless something I say is hurtful/offensive to someone!). I may toy around with ideas and sound more confident in them than I actually am. If I don't let myself do this, it's hard to trust any opinions I've formed. So. Yeah. Please don't take my entries too seriously.
  4. I'm also trying to let myself write freely on here. I think it would be good to have a place where I can just spill words naturally, which can be difficult when there are so many good and serious writers on here. Basically, don't expect good writing on here for the most part. I'm trying to let myself be free and informal--without having to worry about editing most of the things I write.
  5. If you want filters for anything, let me know! Still trying to figure out how I'd like to set up the filter system.
That's all I can think of for now. And yes, this got more rambly than expected. (Is that really a surprise, though?) If I'm inconsistent on anything, it's because I'm figuring things out. Anyway, thank you for reading, and sorry about any irrelevant information!!
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I’ve been finding so many contradicting opinions on here--both of which make sense--that have my emotions exhaustedly running in circles. I’m usually scared to be in the middle of those contradictions, too, because a lot of people advertise the idea that you’re a Bad Person if you don’t believe ____ 100.5% of the time. Since my brain automatically tries to categorize things as good or bad, it acts like it gets new proof every time someone else enforces that idea.

And I know there are reasons people do this. My head is too jumbled for me to actually give an opinion on that right now... or ever. All I can say is that, from experience, once my brain labels me as hopelessly bad, I give up on improving. If being “good enough” is on the opposite side of where you are, it takes a lot of willpower to get there.

Going to add a cut before getting more specific about one thing that’s been confusing me. To anyone who reads this, please know that I am not settled in my opinion, and that you can correct me on anything.

Read more... )
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I think I've been letting myself sleep too much lately. In a way, I'm kind of happy that I can sleep pretty much whenever I want to. It means I can freely skip through different periods of time and remember even less of what happened. That doesn't mean it's improving things, though.

I'm currently sitting at my desk (instead of on the rug sleeping) in a quiet house next to an IV pole with a pretty-much-empty bag of fluids. Not much longer, and I'll be free to walk around without dragging this giant pole everywhere. Too bad I don't feel like doing anything... except sleeping. I don't know what else to do. Nothing is going on in my brain right now, and I don't have anything that needs to get done asap. (This reminds me that my spaces in the house are a mess, and I have baskets of clothes to fold, but it's all stuff I can't get myself to care enough to do.)

Went up to 300mg of Lithium today. No difference so far... as far as I can tell. Or I think that happened. All this sleep (especially with narcolepsy/other sleep variances) is messing with my memory. It's hard to tell what has actually happened--like even harder than usual--and what is a false memory generated by a dream. 

Okay, just got unhooked from the IV line. I have a little motivation now. Maybe I can get myself to do something... but what? It's already almost 8PM.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I didn't think that Vyvanse was helping that much, but switching from 50mg once a day to 30mg twice a day seems to be making a huge difference. Falling asleep is even easier than it was before, and being depressed, I've been taking that to my advantage. Now, when I'm stuck at home for most of the day, I spend a lot of time sleeping. I guess I got used to the effects of the other dose because I don't remember fighting quite this hard to stay awake, even when I was unmedicated. At least this shows that something is working. I need to contact my psych nurse (who seems to know more about narcolepsy than my sleep specialist did), but I've been lacking so much energy and motivation. Since much of my depression seems dopamine-related, I might be going downhill in that area, too. I don't think the adrenaline rushes have been that bad since changing the dose, though.

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Not sure why I'm attempting to post something now considering the fact that my mind is so blank. Just got back from a long appointment. Actually, the appointment wasn't that long itself, but the trip plus chaos and drama in the car took up time and energy. I feel so empty right now but am scared of trying to fill that empty spot... just so it doesn't feel like I keep losing everything again... if that makes any sense. 

On the bright side, just being able to type out words and hear the clicking of my keyboard seems to be grounding me. I think I feel like I have more freedom, too. 

I hate being reminded of all the time and resources I take up by existing. Being sick... being an incompetent person who doesn't do anything... the fact that my family already has enough trouble with conditions that doctors/researchers don't know much about... me being really hard to deal with in general... I don't know. And, because of a lot of this, I'm the reason someone wants to die.

I'm starting to numb everything out more, but I hate what feeling nothing... feels like. The more time I spend feeling nothing, the worse this restless emptiness feeling gets. (So I can't say I'm really "feeling nothing" after a certain period of time.)

Anyway, the reason I had the cardiologist appointment today was because I needed him to sign off that, from his perspective, I was ready for surgery. (Can't remember if I've talked about this here yet, but some doctor finally ran the right tests and found something that was "significantly" wrong with my cervical spine. C1 and C2 are slipping off of eachother way too much, and there seems to be some deformities in that area as well. Plus there's wayyy too much space in between them. Like C1 was 2x or 3x further above C2 than it should be. (Will my neck be noticeably shorter after surgery???) And because I have a mild Chiari malformation issue and spinal fluid blockage (or however you say it), he'll be removing a bone behind my neck as well. 

Also, some important veins can be temporarily closed off by my neck subluxing, so that could explain the vision loss and floaters I get when putting my head in certain positions, especially when my POTS is acting up.

To keep going with this updating thing, I also got a PICC line inserted at some point (for IV saline five days a week). With all my ups and downs, it's hard to tell how much it's helped, but one thing we know for sure is that I gained 6 pounds since starting the treatment. I'm still underweight, but holy shit, I don't think I've ever weighed this much. Since some point before the fluids, my BMI (yes, I know that system isn't perfect, but it's a way to show the changes) has gone from low 16 to high 17. So I'm almost up to a "normal" weight, though I seem to have smaller bones that anyone else I' remember meeting, so I could be closer to a "normal" weight than I thought. Fuck you, dehydration!!

Typing all that was distracting. I should probably get something to eat. Back to the weight thing, I haven't even been eating that much lately due to mental health reasons. I wonder if I could get up to 110--I mean I only have 6-7 (depending) pounds to go. But. yeah. food. I'll probably put that off for a little longer, and then we'll see.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
anyway, i’ve been feeling more lately, and my parents signed papers to sell my childhood house. i don’t think that would normally be a big deal; there’s a story behind the place that i don’t like thinking about or remembering (not that i can remember most of it). might talk about it more later. i don’t know. it’s like i want to talk about it but am terrified of reliving it again.

if anyone’s curious, here’s a “little” thing i wrote about leaving that house a while ago... back when i was taking an english class whenever that was.

of all the things i’ve written (not that i’ve done much writing) this might be the thing i’m most proud of. actually, it might be the only thing i’m sort of proud of right now. (still scared to read it though lol.) i was allowed a good amount of time on it compared to other projects, and the prof who ran it was (and still is) my favorite teacher.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Yesterday wasn’t bad, and last night was one of those nights where I became more and more awake as time went on. Around 6AM, I was much more awake and motivated than usual, and since I obviously wasn’t going to sleep, I got up (well at like 9-10AM) after playing some mystery/puzzle game I impulse bought on my 3DS. Annnd I still feel surprisingly good and alert just… restless. But when am I not, especially around this time of day?

My brain, deciding to actually think today, did the thing where it came up with a bunch of ideas… I think. I can’t remember.

I also posted a bunch of random stuff on my Twitter account because my brain has decided that that’s where I’ll post “super casual” stuff (No Exceptions). My brain likes to do this weird thing with grammar/punctuation rules: Each site has its own rules that can get really… specific. If I don’t follow them, I don’t know… It sounds extremely overwhelming and like I’ve lost even more control. I can change them (or slip in an experiment with different rules), but all real changes have to be official and a choice I’m 100% okay with making. It’s weird. I know.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Okay, things have changed a lot since yesterday. (I think it was yesterday at least???) I got the PICC line inserted, which wasn’t that bad. During and after the insertion, I started getting heart palpitations and ignored it for a while. At a certain point, I thought I’d look it up to see what might be going on, and it turns out it’s a common sign of the PICC line being inserted a little too far in.

Today I’ve been getting a lot less palpitations but much more pain in my arm, back, and chest when moving my body (mostly my torso). Someone from Home Health Care came to show us how to connect the saline + dextrose pack. The nurse said something about checking to make sure I don’t have a blood clot or something soon. (???)

I literally spent over five hours on a liter of fluids and still had to stop early because my arm was turning dark purple, and my veins hurt like heck. In person, my doctor suggested letting it slowly drip overnight while, in her instructions, she said to let it drip for 3-4 (or 4-5) hours. So that’s what the nurse told us to do. Either this is something I’ll need to get used to (five whole days a week), they need to fix/change something (like time spent), or this isn’t going to work.

It’s still hard to move my fingers (aka type) with this hand, it’s still turning purple unless I constantly point it upward, and now the area where the PICC is inserted is even more prickly/itchy.

I’m going to have a hard time not ripping this thing out.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
On another note, it looks like I’ll be getting the PICC line inserted tomorrow???! I don’t think I’m grasping this because I feel pretty indifferent about it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what kept me up last night.

That also means home health care will be coming over--into our messy trashy house--the day after to help us take care of it/set things up. Them coming over honestly isn’t the biggest deal to me right now. I’m more worried about showering (which is enough work already) and sleeping while getting the fluid drip. My geneticist instructed that I do a slow “gravity drip” 4 or so days a week so I could wake up more hydrated. Problem: My arm might have to be held in a certain position, and I don’t know how I’m going to handle that as someone who rolls around a lot in bed, sleeps in weird positions, and constantly deals with “jumpy legs.”

I guess I’ll just continue what I’ve been doing for the longest time and “see how it goes.”
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I saw my dermatologist yesterday who, like the allergist, suggested that much of what was going on with my face was rosacea... except the dermatologist said he’s seen it be an issue for his mast cell patients.

Anyway, this doctor is really nice, talkative, enthusiastic about everything, and loves his job (or is really good at faking it). He told us about research he found suggesting that low-dose doxycycline has been beneficial to people with mast cell disorders and other immune issues. (Plus it’s known to help with the rosacea.) But yeah, since it’d be at a really low dose and is pretty harmless compared to other meds (at least from what he knows), I’ll be starting that really soon. I’ll also be continuing on the autoimmune drug (can’t remember the name) until things start to settle down.

During that appointment, I also learned that the skin takes in outside materials (idk I’m bad at words) similarly to digestive organs. I would say more but can’t remember much else, but whatever he said was interesting.

He also gave his opinions on the PICC line, surgery, Xolair, etc., and now I feel a little better about the current decisions. (PICC line, then surgery, then Xolair). Still wish I could research this stuff without getting overwhelmed, though. (Actually, the last few times I’ve researched things, I’ve felt surprisingly ok and in control. I think starting the task is the worst part.)
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I've been thinking, and it really seems like I have a strong need to constantly remind myself that some of my behaviors are labeled as abusive. Like most of the time I find something I do in a video/article about abuse, I feel uncomfortable and guilty but also like I’m keeping myself in check or something. I think a huge part of me is scared of doing all these things and not being aware of what they’re labeled as and their impact on others’ lives. I’m not saying I’m aware of everything I do, but I’ve seen a lot of people deny almost all (of not all) of these behaviors. And as someone who was affected by their behaviors, what I wanted more than anything else was for them to admit to it--or at least some of it.

So I guess that’s what I’m trying to do, though I admit that I’m getting a bit obsessive with it. The more abusive behavior I see in myself, the more powerful and in-control I feel (at least for a little). I feel like a better person than I was before saying the behavior was “abusive.” Idk how helpful this is, but realizing it is a problem should mean that I can at least try to fix it.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Apparently I’ll be getting my PICC line inserted in about a week (??), and I’m testing out dressings (or I think that’s what they’re called). At first I was like, “Oh great, more sticky patch-like things.” I don’t know if I’ve ever had a sticky patch put on my skin without problems (nothing that bad–just angry mast cells on my skin). It’s not a big deal if I leave them on for a few minutes; the redness/other effects on my skin will often last less than a day or two days at the longest.

It’s different when I constantly have to put a sticky patch on one area of skin for days/weeks at a time. It seems like my skin is just now recovering from a bandage I had to wear (and switch out of course) for over a week… months ago. It’s not bothering me much; it’ll just get red and itchy much easier than other patches of skin. I could even see the outline of the bandage when something bothered it until recently. And while I had to keep that bandage on (and yes, we tried TONS of different bandages, and I think it got to the point where putting pressure on that area made it angry) it was itchy, painful, burning, and covered in moving bumps (some pus-filled).

So yeah, I wasn’t looking forward to putting more patches on my skin, but these are turning out surprisingly okay. I’ve had one on my arm and one on my stomach and have had almost no problems!! Let’s hope the whole PICC line thing turns out that way, too (ifff we end up following through with it).

Closeup of a wrist and part of a lower arm with a clear, wrinkly, plastic patch covering the skin right below the wrist. The arm is pale, and blue veins are lightly visible.Closeup of a rectangular plastic patch with rounded corners on pale skin. The patch is clear and looks wrinkly.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It’s that time of day when I’m more aware of how empty I feel, and I start feeling really anxious and tense. I’m trying to figure out what I could do today that’s either meaningful or enjoyable, but nothing is meaningful, and everything that doesn’t have a meaningful effect usually isn’t enjoyable. I’m probably anxious because I feel like I’m wasting time, need to make a decision (or many decisions), and like I need to quickly find something meaningful in some way because I can’t take the feeling of just existing. And basically my biggest fear is just existing.

One thing I’ve never been able to understand is people who are satisfied with a “normal” life… people being content with having a family, an okay job, friends, and a normal house. (Yikes, hopefully this doesn’t sound as… ungrateful as I think it does.) Just thinking about that future scares me. Being stuck in the house for much of the time would make things so much worse for me.

What do I prefer over that lifestyle? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I do, but then that future will become pointless, too. I don’t know if my environment could ever make me content. I could keep myself moving to get that “rush” feeling that boosts my mood, but I don’t have the mental/physical energy to keep that up. I’m going to have to learn how to just exist… somehow.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
So! Noticeably, I stopped doing the January Mighty Month challenge after having a hard time keeping up to begin with (mostly due to health and motivational issues). Then I got sick. Whatever I caught wasn't bad, but since my usual functioning is already pretty low, I had a harder time thinking/sitting up/typing and just gave up. I was already days behind anyway (I think). But I'm going to try to look on the bright side here and feel good about what I have accomplished. I mean, I never thought I'd be able to come up with a response to a lot of those prompts!!

Tomorrow is the start of February's challenge, so I'll be looking into that as well. 

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cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Ashley

May 2017

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