cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
On another note, it looks like I’ll be getting the PICC line inserted tomorrow???! I don’t think I’m grasping this because I feel pretty indifferent about it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what kept me up last night.

That also means home health care will be coming over--into our messy trashy house--the day after to help us take care of it/set things up. Them coming over honestly isn’t the biggest deal to me right now. I’m more worried about showering (which is enough work already) and sleeping while getting the fluid drip. My geneticist instructed that I do a slow “gravity drip” 4 or so days a week so I could wake up more hydrated. Problem: My arm might have to be held in a certain position, and I don’t know how I’m going to handle that as someone who rolls around a lot in bed, sleeps in weird positions, and constantly deals with “jumpy legs.”

I guess I’ll just continue what I’ve been doing for the longest time and “see how it goes.”
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I saw my dermatologist yesterday who, like the allergist, suggested that much of what was going on with my face was rosacea... except the dermatologist said he’s seen it be an issue for his mast cell patients.

Anyway, this doctor is really nice, talkative, enthusiastic about everything, and loves his job (or is really good at faking it). He told us about research he found suggesting that low-dose doxycycline has been beneficial to people with mast cell disorders and other immune issues. (Plus it’s known to help with the rosacea.) But yeah, since it’d be at a really low dose and is pretty harmless compared to other meds (at least from what he knows), I’ll be starting that really soon. I’ll also be continuing on the autoimmune drug (can’t remember the name) until things start to settle down.

During that appointment, I also learned that the skin takes in outside materials (idk I’m bad at words) similarly to digestive organs. I would say more but can’t remember much else, but whatever he said was interesting.

He also gave his opinions on the PICC line, surgery, Xolair, etc., and now I feel a little better about the current decisions. (PICC line, then surgery, then Xolair). Still wish I could research this stuff without getting overwhelmed, though. (Actually, the last few times I’ve researched things, I’ve felt surprisingly ok and in control. I think starting the task is the worst part.)
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I've been thinking, and it really seems like I have a strong need to constantly remind myself that some of my behaviors are labeled as abusive. Like most of the time I find something I do in a video/article about abuse, I feel uncomfortable and guilty but also like I’m keeping myself in check or something. I think a huge part of me is scared of doing all these things and not being aware of what they’re labeled as and their impact on others’ lives. I’m not saying I’m aware of everything I do, but I’ve seen a lot of people deny almost all (of not all) of these behaviors. And as someone who was affected by their behaviors, what I wanted more than anything else was for them to admit to it--or at least some of it.

So I guess that’s what I’m trying to do, though I admit that I’m getting a bit obsessive with it. The more abusive behavior I see in myself, the more powerful and in-control I feel (at least for a little). I feel like a better person than I was before saying the behavior was “abusive.” Idk how helpful this is, but realizing it is a problem should mean that I can at least try to fix it.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Apparently I’ll be getting my PICC line inserted in about a week (??), and I’m testing out dressings (or I think that’s what they’re called). At first I was like, “Oh great, more sticky patch-like things.” I don’t know if I’ve ever had a sticky patch put on my skin without problems (nothing that bad–just angry mast cells on my skin). It’s not a big deal if I leave them on for a few minutes; the redness/other effects on my skin will often last less than a day or two days at the longest.

It’s different when I constantly have to put a sticky patch on one area of skin for days/weeks at a time. It seems like my skin is just now recovering from a bandage I had to wear (and switch out of course) for over a week… months ago. It’s not bothering me much; it’ll just get red and itchy much easier than other patches of skin. I could even see the outline of the bandage when something bothered it until recently. And while I had to keep that bandage on (and yes, we tried TONS of different bandages, and I think it got to the point where putting pressure on that area made it angry) it was itchy, painful, burning, and covered in moving bumps (some pus-filled).

So yeah, I wasn’t looking forward to putting more patches on my skin, but these are turning out surprisingly okay. I’ve had one on my arm and one on my stomach and have had almost no problems!! Let’s hope the whole PICC line thing turns out that way, too (ifff we end up following through with it).

Closeup of a wrist and part of a lower arm with a clear, wrinkly, plastic patch covering the skin right below the wrist. The arm is pale, and blue veins are lightly visible.Closeup of a rectangular plastic patch with rounded corners on pale skin. The patch is clear and looks wrinkly.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It’s that time of day when I’m more aware of how empty I feel, and I start feeling really anxious and tense. I’m trying to figure out what I could do today that’s either meaningful or enjoyable, but nothing is meaningful, and everything that doesn’t have a meaningful effect usually isn’t enjoyable. I’m probably anxious because I feel like I’m wasting time, need to make a decision (or many decisions), and like I need to quickly find something meaningful in some way because I can’t take the feeling of just existing. And basically my biggest fear is just existing.

One thing I’ve never been able to understand is people who are satisfied with a “normal” life… people being content with having a family, an okay job, friends, and a normal house. (Yikes, hopefully this doesn’t sound as… ungrateful as I think it does.) Just thinking about that future scares me. Being stuck in the house for much of the time would make things so much worse for me.

What do I prefer over that lifestyle? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I do, but then that future will become pointless, too. I don’t know if my environment could ever make me content. I could keep myself moving to get that “rush” feeling that boosts my mood, but I don’t have the mental/physical energy to keep that up. I’m going to have to learn how to just exist… somehow.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
So! Noticeably, I stopped doing the January Mighty Month challenge after having a hard time keeping up to begin with (mostly due to health and motivational issues). Then I got sick. Whatever I caught wasn't bad, but since my usual functioning is already pretty low, I had a harder time thinking/sitting up/typing and just gave up. I was already days behind anyway (I think). But I'm going to try to look on the bright side here and feel good about what I have accomplished. I mean, I never thought I'd be able to come up with a response to a lot of those prompts!!

Tomorrow is the start of February's challenge, so I'll be looking into that as well. 
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Just got back from seeing my primary doctor (who seems really nice and understanding of everything) so she can confirm the surgery at C1-C2. Of course, she has to check some things off first, so I’ll be getting some tests done and will see a cardiologist to get an “OK” from them. The surgery is currently planned for mid or late April.

But my physical therapist, who’s seen a lot of people with negative surgery experiences, thinks I should hold off. He doesn’t think it’s worth it unless you’re having “drop attacks,” which are described as passing out (kind of) at the turn of the head. My mom has been gathering information, so I can thank her for that (though she hasn’t been listening to me about any of it), and we scheduled another appointment for asking questions. (I have a lot of them.)

Anyway, I got the report from the neurosurgeon at some point, and from what I remember, it described C1 and C2 as being completely separated, so… I guess it’s bad…? Sheesh, I can’t say that things might be bad without feeling like I’m overreacting.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
So I might be going to a Holocaust museum in D.C. today!! This will be extremely liberating because I’ll be traveling by metro without a parent and will only be relying on one person!!! Progress?

I just wish it wasn’t so cold outside. Maybe my random heat surges will prove useful. Also, I’m in a decent amount of pain, but it won’t take long to get to the metro, and the museum should be less than 10 minutes away from the stop. They also have wheelchairs and other mobility aids in the museum. I don’t know if I could use them publicly without panicking or coming close to panic, though... but... they’re there. I can use them if I’m desperate (and that would be when the desperation is stronger than the panic of using them).

So yeah, trying to kindle this excitement without getting my hopes up too much!
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Realizing (again) how much my house has calmed down over the past however many months. And even several months ago, things might’ve still been better off than they were years ago. The problem is that things were more... consistent(?) back then. Now, things can be fine for several days... then something big will hit out of nowhere. Often, there isn’t even a sign or a warning; it just happens. Sometimes things will even go really well, and I’ll start to fall into that hole of trusting, but it ends up being used against me. Good thing I’m starting to get used to that now, and it doesn’t hurt as much. I think I keep going back and forth between “expose everything, put your armor on, and prepare for the worst,” and “only reveal something when it proves useful to you.” Obviously, those are more black-and-white thoughts because my brain can’t take uncertainty. But nothing is certain enough no matter how hard it tries, and I think that confuses it. So one method will feel safe for a while... until it shows how inconsistent it is.

And like I was going to say, things in my house have calmed down more, yes, but they’re also more consistent. I often start to zone out more when things are quiet and beg for something--anything, including things like surgery--to happen and distract me. Not being able to leave the house in several weeks makes things worse.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I really need to learn more about politics and at least how our political system works.

Actually, I need to learn about a lot of things, including my health conditions, how to drive, how to be an adult… I never know what to focus on first, and when I do think about researching something, my brain just shuts down and doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Then, because saying I’ll look into it later isn’t definite, I get overwhelmed about that, and my brain tells me that I’ll just live like this. After all, I don’t plan on staying here for too long… if I do, I’ll figure something out. Maybe. As long as I don’t have to worry about it now.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
January 11, 2017

Here comes another late entry--except this one is even later than before! I probably would just quit the challenge at this point, but the thought of leaving it uncompleted sounds stressful. So I guess I'll attempt to catch up. I wrote that earlier and just returned to my desk after trying Animal Crossing: Amiibo Party. It was my first time completing a full game; we set a 30-minute timer when we played it at [livejournal.com profile] woofelss's house. The review were right: The game felt kind of endless and repetitive. On the bright side, though, it was kind of relaxing and nostalgic. I'd probably enjoy playing it right before bed, and it looks like there are other modes and things to unlock, so it's not like I know what the entire game is like.

Personal Prompt: Name one thing you love that you don't have time to do anymore. Come up with a plan to try and incorporate that activity back into your life.

This is a difficult question because it's hard to think of anything I love or have loved doing. I have enjoyed drawing in the past--at least to some extent. It's also been really frustrating for me and hard to get myself into. But when I was in the flow of it, I really think that I did enjoy it. I liked being in that zoned-out state where I'd slowly watch my drawing come together--almost as if I was watching someone else do it. That didn't happen very often, though.

Similarly, I had rare moments when I enjoyed trying to learn an instrument, writing, etc., but "love" doesn't feel like the right word. I usually didn't love doing the activity; I occasionally loved getting to the end or awaiting the end when it was going well. That's probably what the question means anyway.

Come to think of it, there's also hiking and exploring in general. 

To be honest, I don't have much of a time issue right now either. I have a lot of time since I'm taking a break from everything but doctors' appointments (which can take up most days of the week but still). I just don't feel motivated or like I have enough energy to do anything with it, which is why everything is a mess that I continue to watch as it gets worse.

So I think I'll switch out "time" for "motivation." I could spend forever picking an activity to work on, so I'll pick drawing because it feels somewhat safe. A recently counselor suggested drawing for like 10 minutes a day--focusing on time spent drawing instead of getting something finished. I don't trust myself to draw 10 minutes a day, so maybe I can start with 5 and see where that takes me. It's infinite times better than nothing.

Creative Prompt: You can have dinner with any famous person (living or deceased), who do you dine with and why?

Ugh, I don't know many famous people!!! I guess I'll try my best to come up with someone, though. To be honest, I'd be interested in hearing from anyone who's become really successful so I could learn from them. Who the person is exactly doesn't really matter to me. For that reason, I don't think I should put energy into coming up with a specific person when it likely isn't going to matter anyway. To narrow it down a bit, I'll say that I'd like to have dinner with a famous creator of some form of art or ideas. And I'll leave the rest of it up to someone else.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
January 10, 2017

Okay! I'm going to complete this entry on time today!! I had to force myself to get off Discord and start writing this even when I really didn't want to. So that's an accomplishment I guess? [livejournal.com profile] woofelss started his Zoology class today, and since he had to take a bus and metro to get there, he was gone for much of the day. So I spent much of that time zoning out and somehow fit in time to make food and take a shower real quick. When he got back, we joined some other people in playing a game kind of like Draw Something. (Draw Something has probably been down for several years now, and it's hard to find a non-glitchy version to play.) That turned out better than I thought it would. And I almost forgot... we played some Quiplash after that, but that feels kind of like a blur now. Kind of hard to believe we did that today.

Personal Prompt: How would you describe yourself? Ask a friend or family member how they would describe you and compare notes.

How I would describe myself: uncertain, selfish, curious, open-minded, usually polite, depressed, empty, sleepy, self-conscious, risky, inadequate, emotional, looks for beauty in things, argumentative, and tries to be honest.

How my partner would describe me: cute, smart, funny, interesting, caring, hurting, and adventurous (but also tense about new things).

Creative Prompt: You bought a lottery ticket and won $10 million. How will you spend your money?

Honestly, I would probably save most of it (at least in the beginning) because I have a hard time making big decisions like that. Then, if I could convince myself to, I would plan out how much I'd need to survive if I couldn't get a job, and how much I would need to pay medical bills. I'm sure I would need a lot just to take care of those two things. I'd probably give a lot of what's left over to charities or directly to people who need it. 
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
January 9, 2017

Okay! Time for the third entry of the day. I was going to put this one off for a little longer, but [livejournal.com profile] woofelss had to go eat dinner, so I might as well get some of the writing over with. Here we go...!

Personal Prompt: You invented a time machine, but it only allows you to change the events of one day in your past. What would you change and why?

Yikes, this one is going to be difficult, especially since my mind throws tons of memories (especially unpleasant ones) in the trash. Maybe I'll think of something I could change. I just won't be digging around too much.

 Anyway, I'm not going to go into detail, but I'd probably go back to 2010 or whenever I moved to Alabama (maybe before) and fought for keeping my cat more. Even if I failed, maybe I wouldn't feel as bad about not trying.

Creative Prompt: You invented a time machine! Which decade would you want to visit and why?

This one is pretty hard for me because I know nothing about history and don't feel too connected to anything that happened in the past. Maybe I'd go back to 2000-2010 to reclaim some of my old memories... if I can handle doing that at least. I'd also be good with setting the machine to a random time and letting it take me where it takes me. Whoa, just realized that this could include future decades, too. I don't know how much that would change, though. I don't think I'd hang out in the future for too long... well, maybe 100s/1,000s of years in the future because I wouldn't be alive then anyway. But yeah, I think letting it send me to a random year would be a good plan for now.
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January 8, 2017

Again, I'm starting this entry (and hopefully ending it) on the 9th instead of the 8th. The timer thing seems to be working pretty well, especially since I actually started using this app I've had for a while to reward me for doing something for 10 minutes straight. (It's called Forest.) Okay, time to start. 

Personal Prompt: You're going back to school! What would you study and why?

Is this asking about what I would do or what I would want to do? Either way, I don't really know. If we're taking degrees out of the picture, and I could literally study whatever I want without any negative consequences, I'd probably study a lot of different things. Going to classes and getting information and experience--both from the students and professors--can really influence who you are. And I want as many experiences and opinions to influence me as possible (as long as it doesn't cause a problem)  before finding my own set of beliefs to become confident in. Every time I learn from someone else, I soak in their perceptions and experiences as well. I could almost feel myself growing mentally every time I showed up to class, and it made me hopeful about self improvement. Because of that, I would be happy with most classes.

Since I'm extremely unsure about my future, I would like to focus on a wide variety of classes... not just the ones I think I'd enjoy. If I could choose freely, I'd probably take basic classes in as many subjects as possible and then focus on different types of arts, psychology/neurology, and possibly other sciences.

What will I actually do when (or if) I go back to school? Probably work on finishing some of the basic classes and pick random electives that sound interesting (and not too stressful/embarrassing). Even having a "two year" degree would feel like an accomplishment at this point, and I think I'd enjoy spending those credits to find myself or at least try to.

Creative Prompt: Create a new game show. (What are the rules? How many contestants are there? What sort of prizes are there?)

Welcome to the Alex's new game show, Guess the Meme! (I wouldn't be surprised if something similar already existed, though.) What is the goal of the game? You got it! Guess the memes. You may be saying, "That sounds boring and repetitive," but the game never fails to switch things up. 

Two groups of people will compete on the stage to see who can guess the meme first. They'll both be receiving hints and facts about the meme. When one group feels comfortable enough with their answer, they just have to smack the big red button! Then one person will volunteer to speak for the majority of the group. If they get it wrong, the other group gets to go. Eventually, someone wins. 

But what makes this that different from other game shows out there? In Guess the Meme, both teams are strictly monitored on their communication. To not lose points, they're only allowed to speak in memes during the guessing period. This will really test their meme-supreme knowledge. May the memiest group win!
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
January 7, 2017

This was supposed to be done on January 7, but I never got around to it until today: January 9. That means I have three days of journaling to catch up on (if that's how I'm going to work this out). I think I'll try to complete all three today because I might feel good-ish about myself. I have felt really mentally and physically exhausted over the past few days--the main cause of my procrastination--and I still am. I think all things will end well if I take my time with it and try to complete at least two days of writing today. We'll see, though.

Also, The Mighty gave some tips for the journaling challenge. The main one I remember is setting a timer and timing yourself to write something make it feel less overwhelming. I might start doing that.

Personal Prompt: Write a letter to your illness or condition.

This would be difficult due to the complexity of my illnesses and how they interact with each other. It's hard to tell what causes what at this point, so I'll probably just write a letter to all of them.

Genetics,

You're trying to help. I know. You're doing your best with what you have. I know this isn't just hard for me but both of us. I wish I could give us both a break. We were born different, and it's, for the most part, out of our control. We were born into a world that makes things harder for us.  We both came from the same genetics, so I really should give up on fighting you. Both pushing through life with a faulty start, we've come from the same place and are heading in the same direction. I've come to realize that, like you, I can harm myself more when trying to protect myself. How am I any better or more perfect?

So I want you to know that I'll try to listen to you more and take better care of you. Just as I  know things you don't (or may never) understand about the person we make up, you know things I may never know and sense things I may never sense. We need to be a team, and much of that not being the case is my fault. I'm going to work on changing that.

Your other half

Creative Prompt: Ask a friend or family member to give you 10 random words. Write a 5 sentence story using all 10 words.

I asked my partner for 10 random words. He sent me the following: pasta, dog, cat, bear, pizza, Wednesday, cucumber, hippo, tacos, hungry.

A dog, cat, bear, and hippo all went to a party on Wednesday. They were all too exhausted and hungry to make the food that would energize them, and the party seemed like a perfect fix! When they got to the party, they were excited to see some of their favorite foods spread about the place, even pizza, tacos, cucumbers, and pasta! The three animals instantly started to chow down on the food before even greeting the host or finding out what the party was for. And that's how they got kicked out.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
January 6, 2017

Today I found out that I'll probably be needing spinal surgery (along with getting a bone trimmed for better spinal fluid flow) around C1-C2--basically at the base of my skull. Had to leave early, and then we ended up at the wrong office... lots of driving. Now I'm exhausted, so I might not write much.

Personal Prompt: Set a timer for 5 minutes. How are you feeling right now? Jot down your thoughts, and try to limit yourself to just 5 minutes.

I'm tired. More exhausted than I've been in a while. Had to wake up at 7:30AM today to see the new test/scan results with my neurosurgeon. Blah. I can't even remember most of the day. So much happened... all squeezed into so little time... or so it seems. I'm kind of excited about it honestly. I don't know if it's because this surgery could provide my major relief or because it's the first thrilling/exciting thing that will be happening for a while. 

Now my parents are getting emotional in the other room. I'm partially tempted to remove my headset and listen to their conversation, but I was doing better before I heard them talking. I need to stop putting myself in the middle of their marriage and then blaming them for putting me in the middle of it... or... I don't know. I haven't thought about how much I try to figure out what's going on between them until now. I should probably work on doing that less. It'll only exhaust me more.

I'm surprised by how much I've written so far. Definitely didn't expect this. I guess I had more to say than I thought I did, and it's probably a good idea to know what's going on in my own head.

Creative Prompt: Set a timer for 5 minutes. Write a very short story about your favorite book, movie or TV character.

I can't think of a character I know from TV/a book/a movie to write about, so I'll write about a character from a game. (Thanks, [livejournal.com profile] woofelss )

Okami had finished saving the world not too long ago (maybe two or three centuries), and she was hoping to find herself a new hobby. Lazing around for that many years ended up feeling pointless even though it sounded amazing in theory. But what would she do? Compared to saving the world, nothing felt worth her time. 

She had fought monsters, "allies," giant fish, other dogs when competing for who could dig up the most radishes... but she felt like she needed something new. Sadly, finding something new and worth her time isn't easy for someone who's lived for centuries and done basically everything.

Then something finally came to mind... Cooking! Through her travels, she's tried lots of delicious--even heavenly--foods, but she's been unable to get them without begging for them. If she could make her own food, then she could eat whatever... whenever! So that's what she did. (Obviously, I ran out of time and spent too much time on the introduction of the story...)
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
January 5, 2017

It's about 9PM now, and I was really hoping to get this written earlier. I've already had a hard time keeping up with these, which is a bit discouraging because I'm assuming it'll get harder with time. Maybe not, though. The past few days have been pretty dramatic where I live, so maybe it'll just get easier when that lightens up. Right now, it's hard to get myself to do anything that doesn't instantly make me feel a little better. I usually have problems getting myself to start writing, and it usually ends up being stressful until I move past that point. So writing isn't helpful in this situation... at least not right away.

Personal Prompt: Name five things you are proud of and five things you are not so proud of.

Five things I'm proud of:
  1. Learning to open up and be honest
  2. Getting good grades in my classes
  3. Completing and sticking to DBT class
  4. Learning useful things about myself and my illnesses
  5. Surviving

Five things I'm not proud of: 
  1. Being manipulative
  2. Being controlling
  3. Getting my hopes up about people
  4. Harmful coping methods
  5. Not being there for my dog or cats more in the past

Creative Prompt: Plan your dream vacation. (Where are you going? Who is coming with? What are you doing?)

Honestly, I haven't come up with a single dream vacation. There are lots of places that I would love to visit just for the new experience. Thinking of it that way, I don't know what vacation to somewhere new wouldn't be a dream vacation. I guess the more new/exciting the better, though. I'll try to come up with an image.

First, I need to pick a place. I'm not going to dwell on it too much because picking somewhere to go could take a long time. So I guess I'll pick... Hawaii? I don't know much about the place, but its name keeps coming up in conversations. I'd love to go there at least once in my lifetime, and it seems to have the type of environment I like.

Of course, I'd bring [livejournal.com profile] woofelss along, and I think we'd just sort of try everything out: famous places, local restaurants, stores, etc. And of course, it'd be cool to check all the different environments out and save time to relax in a nice hotel. It's hard to think of specifics because I don't know much about Hawaii. But because of that, I'd be happy with almost anything!
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
January 4, 2017

Here I am, doing the second entry of tonight. I'm pretty pleased with the last one, though, and writing today and yesterday's prompts in one night will feel nice in the end (saying "will" to help encourage myself). It's been a pretty hard day emotionally, though I could feel much worse physically. Lots of family drama that I can't remember much of. Maybe that's a good thing. Racer has also been going after Toby a lot today. I still haven't figured out the cause or if he's going to ever stop it, so that's an extra stressor on top of everything else. Racer started doing it again when I had to bring them back to the garage, so I went ahead and let Toby out to give him a break. Still gotta figure out what to do about the situation tonight, though. I have no clue what I'm going to do.

Personal Prompt: Write a letter to your future self.

Dear twenty-five-year-old me,

I'm scared for you. I really am. And more than anything else, I hope you're doing better. I hope you're still with [livejournal.com profile] woofelss ... if that's how things are meant to be. I hope you've found some peace with your past and that you can let go of some old grudges. I hope you can forgive and free yourself from mental debts and regrets. If you have lost your cats or anyone else important to you, I'm so sorry. I can't believe how hard that must be, and at this moment, it sounds impossible to live through. Get help. Complain. Grieve. Take breaks. (And these things don't only refer to the loss of another being.) It's a lot to go through. If you're worried about what you could've done better in the past, I, from the past, am trying my best with what I know now. You've got my support and reassurance. It's really fucking hard. If you've made it this far, I applaud you. Whether you feel like you've improved as a person or not, the fact that you've made it this far shows that you have in one way or another. If you still haven't figured things out, you're not old. You have time left. Please feel empowered. You're strong and have been trying your best with what you've been given. Please keep going... for me.

You're making progress,
Nineteen-year-old me

Creative Prompt: Write a letter to someone you admire.


Lady Gaga, 

I don't know much about you. I'm going to be honest about that. But because of what I do know--your music, your looks, your personality, your life struggles, what you stand for, who you appear to be--I really look up to you. Your music and not-so-hidden differences are things they are easy to connect with. Because of those things, you can reach in and touch me on a deeper level than most artists can. I've noticed your dissociative moments for a while, and even though I hate that you have to deal with the symptoms of PTSD, it's really comforting to me. I struggle with dissociation, and it can create such awkward and hard-to-explain moments/reactions around other people. It really helps to see someone I admire dealing with similar issues (at least with the dissociation). It makes it feel more possible to be someone I can admire, too. 

And your music... your performances... it's all pure art. It all touches me in ways that are hard or even impossible to explain verbally. I really admire your ability to do that. 

Thank you for existing,
Someone who really admires you


cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
January 3, 2016

This is being posted a day late because of being zoned out and really stressed out by family drama yesterday. The prompts don't really seem day-specific anyway, so I'll just write yesterday's entry and today's entry on the same day and try not to think about it too much. Also, it's past 12AM, and I'm exhausted, so I might be a bit lazy with it. I need to lower my expectations of myself.

Personal Prompt: Congratulations! You just won an award! Pick an award, and write an acceptance speech.

Award: Best All-Around Creator of the Year.

What?! I honestly never thought I would make it this far--or get even a fraction of the way there. From my perspective, I got lucky. This award belongs entirely to someone else. After all, many people work hard to make it this far and never get recognized. I guess, if I'm going to be this lucky, might as well make good use of it.

I've always been drawn to the arts since I was a child. But as an extremely self-conscious kid (and later, adult), I doubted myself and gave up. Looking at the facts, or at least the facts I saw, everything I created--the few things I actually followed through with--were trash. I saw myself as inferior to everyone I met at basically everything, so why keep trying if better people who work at it for even longer aren't recognized?

But, somehow, I got here. And I can still admit that some--or many--of the things I've created are trash. I'm not perfect, yet I somehow made it here. I don't know what motivated me to keep going, but because of that, I improved. I improved a lot and ended up here. Now you may be thinking, "You only thought your work was trash. Everything I have created is absolute 100% bagged trash." I would've thought the same thing if someone was saying this unbelievably-positive and fakey stuff to me. So, if you ever need to, look at some of the older stuff I created. Look at my progress. It'll motivate you much more than any finished product, no matter how beautiful and inspiring it is.

Creative Prompt: Describe your dream house. (Where is it located? Who lives there with you? How is it decorated?) 

This is a bit difficult because my dream house could change day by day, and it's not something I really think about anymore. I've always loved the charm in little houses by the beach/forest or near downtown city areas... basically anything with an antique or magically isolated look. I would live there with [livejournal.com profile] woofelss of course, and I would bring my three cats along if possible. I would love it if the house was decently spaced from other houses but still was close to a downtown beautiful shopping area. The house itself would be small, possibly colorful on the outside, and have lots of windows with sunlight coming in. Most of the house would be open, and both the bedroom and dining/breakfast area would be surrounded by windows, which would show off a beautiful landscape (not sure which kind yet). There would also be colorful lights hung everywhere, and much of the house would have an airy and flowy work. The furniture would be a nice mix of modern and antique, and there would be a room dedicated to creating things. That pretty much sums it up.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
So I've been reading articles from The Mighty lately, and they've come out with new challenges for each month of 2017. Since challenges are some of the few things that can motivate me to do or produce things, I thought I'd give it a try. January's challenge (which actually starts on the 2nd) consists of daily journaling. Basically, it consists of journaling every day. How much you write is entirely up to you, though you'll receive daily prompts--which I'll try to use--to help you get going. I'll tag all entries as "My Mighty Month" to keep track of them. Time to post the first entry!

Challenge received from https://themighty.com/2016/12/my-mighty-month-30-day-journaling-challenge/

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cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Ashley

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