cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Day 28: Name 5 things you have achieved despite your illness.

1. I may be taking a break from school now, but I've been able to take a few classes despite feeling horrible.
 
2. Traveled to a few new places, including New Mexico and Yellowstone. Yes, I've had to do a lot of pacing and felt bad for a good amount of the time, but I'm grateful for the experiences I've had at those places.
 
3. A professor wanted to keep my essay as an example for future students once. 
 
4. I've gotten some letters from a few honor societies even though I've only taken a few classes (probably the reason I got high grades). It's weird because they started sending me them a little while after I started my break from school.
 
5. Pretty sure I've won some rollerblade and foot races when I was little, and I remember having a lot of joint pain back then (though it was periodic).
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Day #27: What's the most helpful advice you have had?

I know I say this a lot, but this one won't be easy to answer either. If tried to come up with the most helpful advice I've received, I would probably spend way too much time thinking and still not come up with an answer.

Some generally helpful advice I've heard is to figure out what you have the energy for, trust it, and accept it. Respect your body/mind for what it can do, and appreciate it for how hard it fights. Give yourself a break. Or two breaks. Or two hundred. Work on accepting your limitations, and don't try to stop yourself from grieving your old expectations if that's what you need to do. If you have a hard time doing something, let someone help you. Remember that it may not be hard at all for them. You're doing great.

Okay, that's not really one piece of advice. I just named helpful tips and reminders I've heard off the top of my head... but I think they all really have helped me.

The Spider

Nov. 15th, 2016 08:31 pm
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
As I may have said before, I’ve been getting a lot of quick hypnagogic hallucinations in the middle of the night. They started happening after I heard someone talking about how there are commonly spiders in people’s beds. I’ve never been that scared of spiders (actually, I loved them when I was little), but soon after that, I started waking up in the middle of the night to seeing and occasionally feeling a spider on me or in my bed. Luckily, there’s a futon in my room at the moment, so I’d just go back to sleep on that.

Eventually I got to the point where I could tell myself that it probably wasn’t real soon after it occurred. I’m sure it’s messing with my sleep, but I can’t help but laugh at it for some reason. I find me waking up and freaking out about “seeing” a spider in my bed over and over again very amusing.

Anyway, last night things escalated to a whole new level. Usually I’d wake up to a spider that instantly ran under the covers and vanished from sight. That made it easier to tell myself that it wasn’t real. Last night, the same thing happened, but the tickling feeling of a spider crawling on me was much more obvious (though I’m pretty sure I felt it on both sides of my body far away from where he spider hid, which stopped making sense after I snapped out of it). Then a spider web was floating, getting closer and closer to my face. At the time, I was awake enough to tell myself that it wasn’t real. It just hovered over my face for so long and eventually started tickling it. At that point, I got up and switched to the futon to get as far away from it as possible. It might’ve disappeared when I looked back at my bed. It’s hard to remember.

The next day, when I wasn’t stuck with that in-dream reasoning, I realized that it was pretty much impossible that a spider web could float and hover in that way. Another reason to laugh at it.

I just wonder why it’s always spider-related. Pretty sure I don’t think about spiders much–at least not consciously. I don’t think my normal dreams are about them either. It’s interesting.

Originally posted
on Tumblr. 
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
The past few days have been great--probably better than usual. Michael helped me get back on my feet again, and we managed to be somewhat productive. We also got ourselves food, fed and pet the cats, set up the nebulizer (that was mostly him), played Okami, and even went for a walk. I also got some physical therapy done. I have to say I was feeling pretty tired, dizzy, and flu-like after the walk, but I feel much better today. I was afraid it'd be the opposite.

Anyway, I took some pictures while we were out on a walk.
Red and green leaves with a deep light blue sky in the background.A dark grey road path splits off into two different directions. Both paths have trees with yellow, orange, and brown leaves. The right path, which is much wider, leads to a bridge.
Turns out most of the trees had already shed their leaves, though I found a few remaining colorful ones. It's kind of sad that most of the leaves had changed color a little while ago, and I never noticed.

When we got back, we rested, got dinner (and later... cake), and fed the cats. We also hung out with the cats for a bit. Toby got really affectionate and wouldn't stop rubbing his face against Michael's knee. I tried to get some pictures of them as well and didn't have the best luck. I was lucky enough to get a half-decent picture of Toby, though. He looks calm, but in reality, he's squinting because the camera (AKA my phone) flashed in his face. On the bright side, I do think he's (slowly) getting more comfortable!
A side view of an orange tabby cat's face. He's squinting.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Looks like it's Mindful Monday. At the very least, I'm hoping to do the mindfulness exercise 7 Cups is giving me today. And since I seem to be doing better mentally, I might try to focus on the moment and keep myself from zoning out like I normally do. I'm not going to aim to be more engaged for the entire day; instead, I'll congratulate myself for returning my awareness to the here and now throughout the day. Even if I only remember to do it once, it's a step up from not doing it at all.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Day 26: What impact has this had on your friends, family, partner, parents, etc.?

This one is kind of difficult because I've been sick for most/all of the time people have known me. Also not quite sure how I'm going to organize this, so that's been keeping me from writing it. I'll probably just organize it by relationship type.

Friends - I don't think I have many friends who are close enough to be affected by my illnesses. I feel a lot of guilt or embarrassment when bringing them up, and people often don't know what to say or how to react. It probably affects them in one way or another, but I would have a hard time knowing how because it's not something anyone would bring up. They have expressed some confusion over some things I have to do to take care of my health, though (such as consuming high salt or doing physical therapy). I think my mental illnesses have affected them more than anything; they never really understood me suddenly avoiding them for long periods, and they probably don't get the constant loss of memories. I don't know what they think/feel about any of that to be honest.

Family - It definitely seems like my illnesses have been affecting my family because they have to spend more time around them than anyone else (especially since I'm still living with my parents). I think it's gotten to the point of exhausting my mom, who has to take care of her own medical issues on top of helping me with mine. It's hard to tell what my dad and brother are thinking, but I'm sure it affects them one way or another, especially since it makes my mom more stressed and costs my family a lot more money.

Partner - Sadly, I think my illnesses affect my partner a lot. We often can't do as much as we (or at least I) would like to do because I often lack the energy and/or don't want to feel sicker. He also ends up taking care of me a lot, which I'm sure takes up a lot of time and energy. And because of the highly suspected BPD (by a myself and later a psychologist), things can get really chaotic, and I personally can get (or almost get) emotionally abusive. Thankfully, he has learned to not take it seriously and talk me down, but I'm sure it all takes an emotional toll on him. Really hoping to get a lot of this stuff under control before long...

That's it I guess. Didn't think this would get that long. Hopefully, some day, this will all have less of an effect on others.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It's been a long day spent out of the house getting flexion and extension video x-rays. We had to go a little far away from home because most places didn't have the equipment for this type of x-ray. It took my mom a while to find this place. Thankfully, the people who worked there were all pretty nice, and after everything was set up, the x-rays only took several minutes. Now we've finished all the x-rays and MRIs that my doctor wanted, so we don't have to worry about that anymore.

Guess it's time to return to sitting at home and zoning out.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It’s one of those days where the only thing that’s keeping me from continually nodding off is eating something. And even that isn’t helping that much. Probably going to have to give in and take a nap if this lasts much longer.

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cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Ashley

June 2017

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