cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I guess this would be true in more ways than one. The FP has left for his beach trip, with its approach probably being connected to the random bouts of paranoia I've been getting. (No, this is not an excuse for how I act or treat people when I am feeling that way.) It's a big impact on him, too, and randomly turning on him has to be making it worse. Not a good setup. It's also a "big day" to some other people apparently. My dad just left for a wedding with his big tripod and lots of other things. (He's really into photography. I don't know if I'd even call it a "hobby" anymore.) I'm assuming someone in his family is getting married again. Pretty sure there was at least one divorce recently.

I'll probably be home zoning out. Like usual, nothing feels worth doing unless it's instantly rewarding. If I get too obsessive with something, especially while in this depressed/zoned out state, it drags me further into it. I probably need to do a variety of things and stop feeding this state. But what's beyond this state? How do I know that changing my state of mind will be worth the effort. For all I know, it could be impossible. I don't know. 

Just need to stop making this impact him. It's kind of late to come up with a plan, though.

Honestly, I think emotions began building up a while ago. Or there was some change. I almost thought the trip would be okay because, most of the time, my emotions didn't have much of a reaction to it. I've seen him go on this trip for several years now, and I couldn't remember ever feeling this calm about it... except maybe after he's left, when I'm able to go deep into a dissociative state. But soon before the surgery, I think I started getting some auditory hallucinations for the first time in a while. It's hard to remember with my brain throwing memories in the trash, but I think it's been even worse over the past few days. Come to think of it, I've also barely slept over the past few nights. I've also barely slept for two days, something I almost thought was unrelated to the beach trip because, for much of the time, I was really numb and felt okay. Me, a narcolept, has barely slept for two days. And this sort of thing rarely happens to me unless I feel overly restless and energetic--certainly not numb. So, yeah, I think this stuff affects my unconscious long before I'm aware of something being wrong.

Wow, it's only about 1PM right now. So used to an hour going by in what feels like 10 minutes.

My FP has so much has so much ahead of him. He's doing well in his classes, got invited to join an internship program, is probably the most sympathetic person I know, has what looks like a supportive family, and... so many other things. And now I'm negatively impacting all of that. 

Why am I sitting here complaining when I need to work on getting it under control? Probably should go to counseling again (there were a few problems the last few times). It just... sounds so overwhelming. I'm on medication. It takes a while to figure out what's working in that area, too. It'd be a lot simpler if I never met him/got close to him and none of this ever happened. I don't know how much counseling helped anyway. They did a lot to redirect my anger and realize something that might be having a negative effect on me, which cleared things up for all of us, but... I don't know how it's supposed to help. This reminds me of being in the car back from counseling after 6+ months of going weekly, and they'd ask about improvement (or one of them would). I could never tell. Now when I think about talk therapy at least, it sounds weird to think so much about improvement. Maybe it's just me. It's kind of like one of the mindfulness rules: Your goal is not to change or feel better; it is to help you live in the present moment. (Something like that.) 

Anyway, my mind blanked out, and that's probably a good thing. Be back with another not-so-great and way-too-personal mess of an entry soon probably!! 

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I've been thinking, and it really seems like I have a strong need to constantly remind myself that some of my behaviors are labeled as abusive. Like most of the time I find something I do in a video/article about abuse, I feel uncomfortable and guilty but also like I’m keeping myself in check or something. I think a huge part of me is scared of doing all these things and not being aware of what they’re labeled as and their impact on others’ lives. I’m not saying I’m aware of everything I do, but I’ve seen a lot of people deny almost all (of not all) of these behaviors. And as someone who was affected by their behaviors, what I wanted more than anything else was for them to admit to it--or at least some of it.

So I guess that’s what I’m trying to do, though I admit that I’m getting a bit obsessive with it. The more abusive behavior I see in myself, the more powerful and in-control I feel (at least for a little). I feel like a better person than I was before saying the behavior was “abusive.” Idk how helpful this is, but realizing it is a problem should mean that I can at least try to fix it.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It’s that time of day when I’m more aware of how empty I feel, and I start feeling really anxious and tense. I’m trying to figure out what I could do today that’s either meaningful or enjoyable, but nothing is meaningful, and everything that doesn’t have a meaningful effect usually isn’t enjoyable. I’m probably anxious because I feel like I’m wasting time, need to make a decision (or many decisions), and like I need to quickly find something meaningful in some way because I can’t take the feeling of just existing. And basically my biggest fear is just existing.

One thing I’ve never been able to understand is people who are satisfied with a “normal” life… people being content with having a family, an okay job, friends, and a normal house. (Yikes, hopefully this doesn’t sound as… ungrateful as I think it does.) Just thinking about that future scares me. Being stuck in the house for much of the time would make things so much worse for me.

What do I prefer over that lifestyle? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I do, but then that future will become pointless, too. I don’t know if my environment could ever make me content. I could keep myself moving to get that “rush” feeling that boosts my mood, but I don’t have the mental/physical energy to keep that up. I’m going to have to learn how to just exist… somehow.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Realizing (again) how much my house has calmed down over the past however many months. And even several months ago, things might’ve still been better off than they were years ago. The problem is that things were more... consistent(?) back then. Now, things can be fine for several days... then something big will hit out of nowhere. Often, there isn’t even a sign or a warning; it just happens. Sometimes things will even go really well, and I’ll start to fall into that hole of trusting, but it ends up being used against me. Good thing I’m starting to get used to that now, and it doesn’t hurt as much. I think I keep going back and forth between “expose everything, put your armor on, and prepare for the worst,” and “only reveal something when it proves useful to you.” Obviously, those are more black-and-white thoughts because my brain can’t take uncertainty. But nothing is certain enough no matter how hard it tries, and I think that confuses it. So one method will feel safe for a while... until it shows how inconsistent it is.

And like I was going to say, things in my house have calmed down more, yes, but they’re also more consistent. I often start to zone out more when things are quiet and beg for something--anything, including things like surgery--to happen and distract me. Not being able to leave the house in several weeks makes things worse.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Whoa, I thought I'd finish reading the 7 Cups for the Searching Soul self-help guide on 7 Cups, and I'm suddenly seeing a bunch of connections between what it's saying and BPD. I wouldn't be surprised if I came to the same conclusions or even wrote about them before because my memory is horrible. I'll still go ahead and write some of my thoughts down real quick because I might forget about them again.

Anyway, I was rereading "Chapter 2: Denial" when these connections stood out to me. Basically (and don't be surprised if I miss something here), we spend much of our younger lives learning and categorizing acceptable and inacceptable behavior based on feedback from our parents/caregivers. The guide states that the "bad" or the socially unaccepted behaviors don't go away; they're shoved into a bag deep in your unconscious instead. In the end, who we are ends up being a product of what others have trained us to be. We naturally seek approval and validation from others, and we use it to unconsciously shape who we are. But, obviously, this can get out of hand.

What if some traits were considered bad sometimes and good at other times? What if the "social training" was inconsistent? What if the person ended up confused? What would shape who they are? How would they know how to safely act in social situations?

What parts of the self would end up in the bag then? Would any traits even consistently stay in the bag? It seems like this would create an unstable sense of self that constantly feels like it doesn't know how to be socially acceptable--and is constantly looking for clues and validation for how it acts. It wouldn't know what's effective, and even if it did, it wouldn't trust its experience as much because things have been so unpredictable.

And, of course, unpredictability in early relationships affects what's considered appropriate behavior in later relationships.

Here is a common example: many parents struggle when their kids are overly strong or angry. Parents, often times not meaning to, overcorrect this type of behavior. They may respond to anger, repeatedly, in a harsh manner or they may, unconsciously, withdraw from the child emotionally. Regardless, the child gets the message that anger threatens the relationship they have with their parents. This is anxiety provoking to a child because they need their parents in order to survive. They are dependent on them to live. What happens, gradually, is that the child learns that in order to maintain a close relationship with parents, they need to keep those angry feelings at bay. This happens repeatedly and the child eventually becomes walled off from their sense of anger. It is pushed down below the surface, into the unconscious.

This part really stood out to me. Children are naturally programmed to know that they need their parents, and they'll get anxious if their parents reject or negatively react to what they do. They need this person to live, so in order to survive, they have to learn how to properly act. If the validation for their actions was inconsistent or constantly changing, they might feel as if something terrible could happen no matter what they do. This reminds me of the relationship between someone (and I know this isn't everyone) with BPD and their "favorite person." It's almost as if it's a mirror of the child + caregiver relationship. The person with BPD has to be on guard at all times because they feel like relationships, at this point, aren't predictable.

Maybe I'll come back and rewrite this or word it better later.

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It's the day after Thanksgiving. Although it started off with hope and positive thoughts (I can't wait to go downstairs and eat more food!!!), my mood went downhill quickly. I think it has something to do with the sun going down soon after I wake up, which is odd because I've always been a fan of nighttime and never cared for the sun. I get sunburns way too easily and have a hard time seeing during the day, even if it's not particularly sunny.

It's hard to remember much, but I do remember visiting the cats because I took and edited some pictures of them. Maybe I should do that more often.
An orange-and-white short-haired cat's face. His face is slightly angled to the side, and he's looking into the distance.Closeup of a short-haired orange-and-white cat's face, which is angled to the right. He's staring into the distance, and bright sunlight is shining off his nose.
 
I ended up being in a pretty... uh... difficult situation. I lied down in order to hurt less and was planning to go through emails on my iPad. That is not what ended up happening. Rocket instantly decided that my hair would make a nice bed, and Toby sat on my stomach. He kneaded it and tried to balance for a bit before deciding to lie down. And that's when I knew I was stuck. 

When I finally forced my way out of that situation, I did some other things, including the wellness test on 7 Cups. (Can't really remember the rest.) I also got myself some more leftovers and coffee... or maybe I did some of that before visiting the cats. Obviously, I've been a bit zoned out today. Speaking of being zoned out, my boyfriend, who is celebrating his second day of Thanksgiving at his aunt's house, texted me about how I attended her Thanksgiving event last year.

Last year. 

Pretty sure we were talking about this a few days ago, but I don't think that it occurring a full year ago sunk in until now. I think part of my mind was still thinking that I went to his aunt's house several months ago... but no. It's been a year--a year that has gone by in the time period of a few months. I don't even know what I've done over the past year. It's like I'm stuck in a trance, and I'm either uncontrollably skipping through time or fast forwarding through life. I'm stuck in a daze. 

And one of my biggest fears is reaching the end of my life without having done much of anything. 

About

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Ashley

June 2017

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