cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Just went with my mom on a trip to take clothes back to the mall because she said she'd pick up something for me to eat. And coffee. I don't know if either of those things were worth the trip, though.

My mom has been really emotional the whole time, and even though it wasn't because of me this time, it brought back emotions and memories from when it was because of me. Trying to help her when I'm like that helps no one, so I tried to emotionally separate myself from her as much as possible. Luckily, nothing horrible happened during the trip.

Now I'm home--still uneasy and restless and unsure of what to do with myself. At least I have coffee and don't have to worry about getting something to eat tonight.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Catching up on my Reading Page again. 

Things have calmed down at home for a little while, and now my parents are almost "getting along." And that scares me. Turns out they're not getting the divorce now, so this whole process of things being "fine" and suddenly chaotic (which spins out and affects other people) is going to repeat itself. It seems like it's continuing to get worse, too, but sometimes things get worse before they get better? ...Yeah, I doubt that's the case here, though I can't predict too much with the observation of it getting worse. 

Agh, now I have that restless depressed feeling and don't know what to do about it. 

Michael just went to his internship. Today is the lab work day. Last time he spent it dealing with liquid (for DNA I think) and labeling vials. I'm assuming today won't be much different. Before he left, we watched a couple more episodes of Steven Universe, and WOW, I keep forgetting how comforting that show is. Watching it for me is kind of like being reborn and forgetting a bunch of social norms I barely knew I had. It's hard to explain.

My face is breaking out again, and this began soon after I stopped taking the low-dose antibiotic. My dermatologist thought that at least some of my facial skin problems were related to the MCAS, especially because my skin appears to be doing a thing that involves cells that closely interact with mast cells (or something). I forgot the name of the condition, but it involves continued flushing. My doctor prescribed the low-dose antibiotics because not only does it help with my specific skin issues; he's also seen research on it improving MCAS symptoms. I'm bad at noticing changes in symptoms, so it's hard to tell if stopping it did anything that isn't skin related, but I have been getting more bad headaches lately... I'll try to keep that in mind.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
So I finally started my period again about a month after my eighteen-day period that began three days after another eight-day period.

Menstruation talk )
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
The beach trip is over. [personal profile] woofelss (AKA my fp/partner/Michael) is back. It seems like a lot of the uneasiness should've disappeared by now, but does it ever? It's still hard to process him being back. I guess I did okay at remaining neutral for most of the week. It's just hard to snap out of feeling and caring about so little.

A few hours later...

We just called online and played WoW together. Tomorrow, I should be going to his house where we'll... we're not sure yet, though it'd be nice to get out of the house. His house would be a nice change, but my brain is begging to go to anywhere that's not a house in general right now. Pretty sure I've only left the house once or twice after getting surgery done. 

Guess that's it for tonight. My mind keeps going blank.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I said I wanted more weird dream/sleep experiences. After all, they've been one of the few things I've been laughing at lately. I talked about one where I grabbed window shades to stop myself from falling, only to realize that, by then, I was awake and on my bed. Though there was a decent chance I could've broken the shades, all the laughing about it after was refreshing. So I sincerely wanted something like that to happen again.

Somehow, it took me a while to notice this, but often fall into a light sleep for short periods of time when comfortable enough. This is most noticeable when I'm texting someone, and a long line of random letters appears on my screen out of nowhere. It doesn't feel like I fell asleep at all. If anything, it feels like I zoned out for a second or two, but the number of letters that appeared on my screen pointed to it being much longer than that. 

I didn't think I was randomly falling asleep like this until after the sleep study. During the daytime tests, when I had to lie in bed for 10-15 minute segments while they read my brain waves, I didn't think I slept at all, but the people running the test kept walking in saying that I was asleep and in R.E.M. somehow. So I started paying attention to the random "zoning out" moments, and they're slowly starting to reveal some dream-like qualities. 

Anyway, this morning I started playing a game on my phone, and it didn't take long for me to start "zoning out." As I was slowly becoming more conscious, I noticed that my thumb was on the home button (which is also a fingerprint scanner, used for unlocking the phone and making payments and other important things) and assumed I was just unlocking my phone because it went into sleep mode or something. Then I realized that 1. I was still in the game, not on the lock screen, and 2. A MESSAGE JUST POPPED UP SAYING THAT I MADE A PAYMENT. ($25.00. It wasn't one of the cheaper options.) The game was full of ads for offers costing real money, yes, but my fingers managed to tap actual buttons and move my thumb to the home button at the right time. I couldn't tell if this was more impressive or scary. It was...shocking... for sure.

It's kind of like my unconscious side is learning how to do more and more on its own, and I'm going to have to kid proof (can't think of a better descriptor) things so I'm not cleaning up its messes later. (I guess I already kind of do this with emotional splitting, which doesn't seem that different from doing things in my sleep from this angle.) I'm also finding it way too interesting because brain-related stuff like this is right up my alley. And even though living with narcolepsy (though some people may have these experiences without it) can be H A R D, it's also comparable to living in multiple realities at once: hopping between them without much control, not knowing which reality a memory came from, having to piece together what actually happened, and, in a way, having more experiences that aren't linked chronologically... but through thought processes the brain has created a path between. Basically, it gives me something to figure out and is making me more familiar with how brains can work.

If this doesn't end up making sense, don't bother making sense of it. I can't really... "word" right now, and when I come up with a word, it feels off, and I'm unsure about using it. Basically, everything is a mess. I thought it'd be better to get something out now then forget this ever happened another day and not record it.

-Okay, you can stop explaining yourself now.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Things have been going downhill mood-wise. I think I need to get out of the house, but even outside the house feels so limited. And since I'm already outside the house, how much better can anything get? 

Anyway...

I woke up during an intense dream (what's new?) where I was being chased and started falling down the stairs, grabbing for window shades to catch myself or break the fall or something. (I agree, there could've been better things to grab onto.) So there I was, hanging on the shades. After a few seconds, I thought I'd look below me, especially since the shades could've broken any second, and... saw my bed. I wasn't even hanging; I was sitting on my bed and pulling at the shades. I quickly let go so I wouldn't break them (good thing I'm not strong or heavy) and... let myself process everything for a few minutes. I'm sure there was some giggling mixed in there, too. 

Well, remembering that helped my mood a little.

It can be really confusing to find the line between doing things in your sleep and hypnagogic hallucinations. Often, if I'm doing something that that specific and intricate (sitting up and grabbing onto something that was to the side of me because of specific events in a dream... even pulling at the shades), it means I'm further on the awake side. So the dream might've been halfway woken me up and continued in a hypnagogic hallucination. Was I sitting up and grabbing at the shades before I opened my eyes, so the dream was existing without vision to aid it, or did I open my eyes at some point and see the shades while the dream tried to fill in the details? (This probably makes no sense. Don't bother reading it again.)

I'm wayyy too interested in dreams, though I've never spent much time looking into them, unless we're counting the sleep phase sections of psychology classes and narcolepsy research. But I've read about weird occurrences like this with narcolepsy. Apparently it's much more common in people who have the disorder (and possibly other sleep disorders), though everyone can get them, and there isn't always a diagnosis behind it... at least based on what I've read so far.


cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I don't have much to say about today other than the fact that I've been doing better than expected today. Maybe it's because of zoning out, but... I don't think it's that bad today. Of course, that makes me worry that I'm going to blow up later, which is likely. I don't know. This is weird.

Partner is still at the beach. I went on a walk--movement suggested for me to do after surgery--with my dad. It helped me realize that my legs are still wobbly, and I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was, but it was nice to move around for once. Now I'm still hooked up to the bone stimulator and just got the PICC line running. At least these things are a good excuse for not moving or trying to get much done around the house. 

Now I'm back to BDO and phone games, both of which require me to do nothing and just wait sometimes. Then I don't know what to do (orrr start writing this post).

Since I mentioned getting stuff done around the house, maybe I'll go more into that and at least stop avoiding thoughts about it. The whole house is a mess. Honestly, I think most of my family has given up on it. That includes me. I don't know the last time I had a clear head and motivation to work on something. Doing 5 minutes of work at a time worked at first... now I'm having a hard time doing that, or even looking in different directions. Now, fixing all of these messes sounds impossible.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I guess this would be true in more ways than one. The FP has left for his beach trip, with its approach probably being connected to the random bouts of paranoia I've been getting. (No, this is not an excuse for how I act or treat people when I am feeling that way.) It's a big impact on him, too, and randomly turning on him has to be making it worse. Not a good setup. It's also a "big day" to some other people apparently. My dad just left for a wedding with his big tripod and lots of other things. (He's really into photography. I don't know if I'd even call it a "hobby" anymore.) I'm assuming someone in his family is getting married again. Pretty sure there was at least one divorce recently.

I'll probably be home zoning out. Like usual, nothing feels worth doing unless it's instantly rewarding. If I get too obsessive with something, especially while in this depressed/zoned out state, it drags me further into it. I probably need to do a variety of things and stop feeding this state. But what's beyond this state? How do I know that changing my state of mind will be worth the effort. For all I know, it could be impossible. I don't know. 

Just need to stop making this impact him. It's kind of late to come up with a plan, though.

Honestly, I think emotions began building up a while ago. Or there was some change. I almost thought the trip would be okay because, most of the time, my emotions didn't have much of a reaction to it. I've seen him go on this trip for several years now, and I couldn't remember ever feeling this calm about it... except maybe after he's left, when I'm able to go deep into a dissociative state. But soon before the surgery, I think I started getting some auditory hallucinations for the first time in a while. It's hard to remember with my brain throwing memories in the trash, but I think it's been even worse over the past few days. Come to think of it, I've also barely slept over the past few nights. I've also barely slept for two days, something I almost thought was unrelated to the beach trip because, for much of the time, I was really numb and felt okay. Me, a narcolept, has barely slept for two days. And this sort of thing rarely happens to me unless I feel overly restless and energetic--certainly not numb. So, yeah, I think this stuff affects my unconscious long before I'm aware of something being wrong.

Wow, it's only about 1PM right now. So used to an hour going by in what feels like 10 minutes.

My FP has so much has so much ahead of him. He's doing well in his classes, got invited to join an internship program, is probably the most sympathetic person I know, has what looks like a supportive family, and... so many other things. And now I'm negatively impacting all of that. 

Why am I sitting here complaining when I need to work on getting it under control? Probably should go to counseling again (there were a few problems the last few times). It just... sounds so overwhelming. I'm on medication. It takes a while to figure out what's working in that area, too. It'd be a lot simpler if I never met him/got close to him and none of this ever happened. I don't know how much counseling helped anyway. They did a lot to redirect my anger and realize something that might be having a negative effect on me, which cleared things up for all of us, but... I don't know how it's supposed to help. This reminds me of being in the car back from counseling after 6+ months of going weekly, and they'd ask about improvement (or one of them would). I could never tell. Now when I think about talk therapy at least, it sounds weird to think so much about improvement. Maybe it's just me. It's kind of like one of the mindfulness rules: Your goal is not to change or feel better; it is to help you live in the present moment. (Something like that.) 

Anyway, my mind blanked out, and that's probably a good thing. Be back with another not-so-great and way-too-personal mess of an entry soon probably!! 

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Wow, I usually wouldn't be saying this after being kind of inactive on DW for this amount of time, but a lot has happened over the past... *checks date of last entry* two weeks. Here I am already stressing over how to word things. Plus my hands are apparently really shaky today, sol typing to begin with is a challenge. My "editing" (even though I try not to care about that on here anyway) can be fixing all these typos. 

I've actually been here silently trying to catch up on people's posts. Today, I finally read (or skimmed or skipped posts about things I wasn't familiar with enough to understand) through everything, and I'm back at the front of my reading page. My next step, because my brain gets angry at me for not doing things in a specific order, is to go through and hopefully finish responding to comments. I don't know why they scare me so much. Actually, while going through my reading page, I found several posts that I felt like I could comment on!!! What happened? With the amount of time and energy it'd probably take, and all the other things I've been trying to get done, I put it off for the time being. Just thought I'd say that in cause it meant anything to anyone.

For some reason, I'm allowed to write this in the middle of the reading/responding to comments process. Just want everyone to know that I want to and will (unless something new stops me) at least read all of them. 

Anyway, yeah, things have been busy. And at the same time, there is never enough going on. I'm still in recovery from getting a C1-C2 fusion along with a bone being removed to aid the infusion and allow spinal fluid to drain more easily. (There was a name for the second part, but it's really long and never sticks in my head... unlike the spinal fluid.) Then I've been spending a lot of time either zoning out (more than usual) because it's the time of the year when my FP, who is also my partner, has to spend a lot of time away. The hardest part of that for me is him going on the yearly beach trip with his family and some old friends. Yes, I'm aware that none of that makes sense. In the waiting period after the surgery and before the beach trip, I've been sleeping, obsessively getting into phone games (it's been a while), and trying to catch up with what people have posted online. 

Wayyy too many words about my surgery and post-surgery experiences )
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I was thinking that I would start posting regularly again, but things have been a little... hectic. It feels like there's too much going on, yet never enough to make life meaningful. When it comes to DreamWidth, I've been hoping to catch up on posts I haven't read and read and reply to comments before posting again. Truth is- I'm a slow reader who has added way too much to my reading page at once. Then there's comments... I usually have a hard time even getting myself to read them because some part of my brain that if I ignore and forget about them, they'll cease to exist. I guess that's true in a way. But no, I need to try to be social. Generally, I feel better connecting to other people--in some ways at least--anyway. The times I do feel worse off, it's because of some irrational problem I need to work through. At the very least, experiencing the problem again will remind me that it exists. I have a tendency to "delete" as many bad memories, emotions, etc. as possible. It's not a horrible ability to have, but it's to the point where I can't control it. If I'm going to be here, I want some memories. Bad memories might make life sound like it's not worth the hassle, but good memories can be a reminder of why living is still worth it. I'm really grateful for [personal profile] woofelss  to keep many of those good memories for me... and tell me about them at the right times.

That got a bit off-topic.

A lot has happened since my last post, and I don't know how to break it up. If I put all of it in one post, it would be very, very long and probably get more unorganized. Maybe I can put together a quick overview of basic events.
  • I had cervical surgery and am going through recovery
  • I spent some time in the hospital, which was interesting
  • I finally got a new mouse (the last mouse was horrible and did a lot of weird things a mouse shouldn't have the power to do) and mousepad and am waiting for a more functional headset
  • I've probably researched and learned some things out of curiosity
  • I saw a friend (?) I haven't seen in a while... still not sure what he thinks of me
  • I'm still enviously listening to my brother improve on the bass
  • Things have changed in my family in multiple ways, and I don't even know where to begin there
  • I've been in a pretty low place mentally for a while now
And that's what came to mind at that moment. I'll probably go more into depth at some point. Waiting for [personal profile] woofelss to get back from his (last) class, and we'll probably end up calling and playing a game together after that. For now, I think I'll continue going through my reading list, check on some updates from elsewhere, and possible play some Black Desert

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I was hoping to write something before the surgery scheduled on the 26th (AKA tomorrow), but I've just been so overwhelmed over the past week. Family problems, paranoia, stress, pain, and all the stuff we have to get done before surgery (much more than I expected at least) have me sitting here with less brain power than usual. Now it's past 1AM, and... I can't even remember what I was going to say. I really wanted to write the past few days, but they're already being pushed deeper into my memory. 

Yesterday I'm pretty sure [personal profile] woofelss  followed through with a last-minute plan to meet up with someone we used to hang out with. Thinking the person has been trying to avoid me, I wasn't sure about the plan, but [personal profile] woofelss  pushed the idea so I'd do something social. After all, he hasn't picked up any negative signs from that person, and I generally trust him more than I trust myself. We also went to a presurgery checkup earlier that day, and getting out of the DC area took two hours longer than expected this time. So we ended up only getting two hours with them, though they both got to see each other for a few hours before I showed up. That should've been fine, but paranoia isn't easy to control. It ended up being fun anyway--just probably spent more time feeling strong negative emotions before + after the event than positive emotions during the event (if my half-asleep words make any sense). I don't know if it was worth it.

Today, I signed a few documents on what is to be done when I am dead or unable to make decisions. [personal profile] woofelss showed up after his classes and is planning to spend the night and hang around the hospital on surgery day. 

Now? I'm exhausted, and I still have more to do. I had to take a shower tonight and will have to take one at about 6AM tomorrow. (Before today, the plan was to leave around 3-4AM, so I just decided hat I wouldn't sleep. Apparently, that's when the doctors who are more aware of my conditions are available. Not sure how I feel about that change. I'll go along with, though.) Then I have take meds at a specific time. Blah, this is starting to look glitchy on my iPPad, so Ill probably just sleep now.

Unsure

Apr. 20th, 2017 08:50 pm
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
There's been a lot going on for me lately, so prepare for more negative posts than usual (not that I have many posts on here anyway). I spend a lot of time trying not to process negative thoughts, and when I write on here, I can kind of touch the surface of doing that. Maybe I'll be able to talk about more difficult subjects in the future.

What's been going on? To be honest, it takes a while for me to fish it out of my brain. I'll try to list some things.
  1. Spine/brain surgery. This one hasn't affected me too much, possibly because I disconnect from so many things and can't tell what I'm feeling until it gets bad (ooops...). The thing I'm most worried about has to be the recovery time. I don't know if I can handle being even more stuck in the house mentally. 
  2. Possibly moving to New Mexico. Almost forgot about this one. The plan is to move by next fall. Don't get me wrong. I love traveling and spending time in different places, but I have some pretty bad experiences with moving that aren't directly related to the move itself. It's complicated and a scary subject for me.
  3.  My FP might have to go on a beach trip with some old friends. This is probably the scariest thing for me even though it sounds like nothing. It's happened before, but my brain seems to delete memories like that. I'm scared of my paranoid ideas finally being proved as true, and I'm scared of entering a rage due to finding something like that out. It doesn't sound reasonable, but talking me out of it won't help. If anything, it'll probably make me more suspicious of you. I'm trying to work through this and improve.
  4. Family drama. I'm not going to publically go into detail, but there's been a lot of chaos in my family lately. Recently, I found out that it's a bigger deal than I thought. Overall, it adds to all the confusion and makes it harder to trust anyone's perceptions, including mine.
And that's what came to mind (on top of the usual difficulties). I don't know what I'm going to do right now. This was written to try to express and organize my thoughts by the way. No need for commenting or anything. 

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Well, looks like my body is needing less sleep now... or at least thinking that it does. I only got about 4-5 hours of sleep, and though I have no problem fading in and out of very light sleep, I can't seem to go into deep sleep anymore. And I feel more awake than I usually do at other times of the day.

So here I am. I've been up since 8 or so, and that's early for me. This sort of thing has been happening more and more lately and might be correlating with the increased dose of Prozac. Oh well. I'm not any more tired during the day, and I might be seeing improvements with my mood, so that's fine with me.

Speaking of medications, I'll be seeing an allergist today to talk about Xolair, and I saw my psychiatric nurse yesterday. I can't remember much about the appointment, but she prescribed a low-dose mood stabilizer that could be helpful for a huge variety of things. I'm also supposed to try logging how full my stomach is along with effectiveness of Xanax to see the dissolving kind might be appropriate. For the same reason, she also wants me to try *shiver* leaving the tablet under my tongue to dissolve. Apparently the dissolving kind is more expensive, and insurance companies often deny paying for it unless you've tried the scary task of dissolving regular Xanax in your mouth first. My prescriber said that, of course, she could lie to them, but there wasn't much of a point if it isn't going to work any better in the first place.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I seem to have done a lot today because I didn't get home until 7PM (a wild guess) or so. I think I also had to wake up early--or at least early for me--to go to some appointment, but I can't remember much about the appointment, and it feels like it could've been at least months ago. All I know is that I saw this doctor for the first time in years (not sure how many exactly). After that and some other things that I can't remember took place, I got my "usuals" at Starbucks and Noodles & Company and went home. My arrival was soon welcomed by even more pain, nausea, a headache, and weakness. My stomach basically started acting like I got food poisoning. I was hoping to drink a lot of fluids (not that I would retain them anyway) and get in a decent amount of calories today, but you know what? Never mind. I could barely get myself to drink enough water to get my gastrocrom and most important meds down. Somehow I did that and made it to bed.

This also means that I'll most likely feel pretty bad tomorrow. Ideally, I would stay home and rest tomorrow, but I was just told that I have other things to do. Earlier in the day (too early for me), I'll be getting up to get IV saline, which will probably take 2-3 hours. Then I'll have to see my endocrinologist later in the day. I honestly have no clue how I'm going to do that... even though I won't be doing any of the driving or anything. It doesn't help that I can't stop myself from needing to shower right before leaving the house.

Blah, just ate some nuts because my stomach was feeling a little better. Instant regret.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It has been and is going to be a pretty uneventful day. That doesn't stop me from being exhausted!

My partner helped me research devices for tracking pulse, steps, sleep, body temp, etc., and he found one that sounds great for the price! I'm hoping to try it out soon. Because of my POTS, narcolepsy, and possible sleep apnea (it's complicated), being able to find patterns in pulse and sleep sounds really helpful. I'm also trying to work on having a more consistent amount of steps/exercise throughout the day. Spending most days not moving much and having the occasional day where I move 5 or 10 times more is probably contributing to my crashes. If I could accurate track my activity, I can find patterns in what makes me feel better/worse. For now, I downloaded an app that's supposed to use your mic to track your sleep, and it seems to think that I've been going from being awake to being in deep sleep constantly throughout the night. If it's accurate, maybe that's one reason I'm so tired today.

I also started my cycle, which is making IC and probably dehydration worse. Luckily, I should be able to get fluids again soon. I'm currently getting one liter a week until I can find a doctor to set my PICC line up. It might be helping a tiny bit. It's really hard to tell.

I'm also supposed to do more physical therapy today. I adjusted my schedule so I only did my exercises 3 times a week because my muscles have been taking much more time to recover. At this point, after doing a really easy exercise, my muscles can feel extra sore for over a week. It's hard to tell if I should be exercising during that time because they say often say to rest and let your muscles rebuild themselves when you're sore. I should probably bring this up to my physical therapist. I think I'll try to do the exercises today.

What do I do on a typical Monday? Nothing out of the ordinary. Usually, I either have a doctor appointment or am staying at home recovering from something I've done on Sunday.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It's the day after Thanksgiving. Although it started off with hope and positive thoughts (I can't wait to go downstairs and eat more food!!!), my mood went downhill quickly. I think it has something to do with the sun going down soon after I wake up, which is odd because I've always been a fan of nighttime and never cared for the sun. I get sunburns way too easily and have a hard time seeing during the day, even if it's not particularly sunny.

It's hard to remember much, but I do remember visiting the cats because I took and edited some pictures of them. Maybe I should do that more often.
An orange-and-white short-haired cat's face. His face is slightly angled to the side, and he's looking into the distance.Closeup of a short-haired orange-and-white cat's face, which is angled to the right. He's staring into the distance, and bright sunlight is shining off his nose.
 
I ended up being in a pretty... uh... difficult situation. I lied down in order to hurt less and was planning to go through emails on my iPad. That is not what ended up happening. Rocket instantly decided that my hair would make a nice bed, and Toby sat on my stomach. He kneaded it and tried to balance for a bit before deciding to lie down. And that's when I knew I was stuck. 

When I finally forced my way out of that situation, I did some other things, including the wellness test on 7 Cups. (Can't really remember the rest.) I also got myself some more leftovers and coffee... or maybe I did some of that before visiting the cats. Obviously, I've been a bit zoned out today. Speaking of being zoned out, my boyfriend, who is celebrating his second day of Thanksgiving at his aunt's house, texted me about how I attended her Thanksgiving event last year.

Last year. 

Pretty sure we were talking about this a few days ago, but I don't think that it occurring a full year ago sunk in until now. I think part of my mind was still thinking that I went to his aunt's house several months ago... but no. It's been a year--a year that has gone by in the time period of a few months. I don't even know what I've done over the past year. It's like I'm stuck in a trance, and I'm either uncontrollably skipping through time or fast forwarding through life. I'm stuck in a daze. 

And one of my biggest fears is reaching the end of my life without having done much of anything. 
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Today's been better. Still getting that constant vertigo and weird bladder issues, but I've been able to manage. (To be honest, it got to the point where I lightly peed my pants yesterday without warning. It was during a time when the constantly-needing-to-pee feeling was finally leaving me alone for once. That feeling doesn't seem to trustworthy anymore, but I know my body's trying its best.) It's been the most productive day I've had in a while, even though I spent most of the time zoning out. Now that I think of it, I can't really remember what I've done today. I just know that I've checked a lot of items off my to-do list. I'm good with that.

It's only about 11:30PM (which isn't that late to me), and I'm ready to lie down in bed and instantly fall asleep. I've spent much of the past few hours eating and spending time with my family. (Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted.) We didn't have much of a variety, but the food was all really good--at least to me. It's been a while since I've had that much real food. We also picked up some gluten-free bready things from a nearby (meaning an hour away) bakery. I really wish my stomach could hold more of that stuff.

Compared to yesterday and the days before, everything feels a lot clearer, and I think I'm less depressed. At least I could say I'm much more motivated than before. I mean, there's no way I would've been able to get any of this stuff done during the last however many days. Maybe I'll continue to feel this way tomorrow.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Ugh, I can already feel it getting worse. I almost forgot how much of a “boost” summer gave me, and I can’t function that well for the rest of the year.

When it gets colder, my whole system seems to shut down. My body feels more achy, tired, and generally messed up. And my brain gets about 5x slower... as if it isn’t already slow enough. My motivation and memory get even worse, and I sleep more than usual. Whatever correlates with the lack-of-energy type of depression flares up. I basically end up hibernating for 3/4 of the year.

It’s really easy to forget when things have been warm for a while...

Originally posted
on Tumblr. 
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
So I made that horrible decision of interacting with other humans. Time to probably make even more bad decisions to “cope” with the fact that I don’t say anything that makes sense and just can’t interact with people in general--even those I’ve known for a long time. As soon as things go somewhat well, and I let people be somewhat important to me, I mess everything up with my lack of social skills and talk when I really, really shouldn’t. What’s the point anyway? I only seem to feel somewhat unexposed and okay when I’m alone. So much fucking regret. Every single time. And I just. keep. doing. it.

I’m going to try my best to stay away from everyone, but that never lasts. I can’t seem to learn.

sorry

Nov. 17th, 2016 11:15 pm
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I can’t even think of anything you’ve done wrong recently. It’s all stuff from the past that suddenly comes back from somewhere in the depths of my head when you act and feel this way. I feel like I’m being emotionally attacked, and at this point, I can’t even remember what happened in the past that came back into my mind. Wouldn’t be surprising if I was just overreacting to the same kind of thing that’s happening now. Every now and then, I snap out of it and realize it’s not happening anymore… realize how hurt and broken you sound. You apologized… even after I couldn’t hold back all of my frustration. I’m so, so, so confused. Maybe I always was. I’m sorry.

Originally posted on Tumblr. 

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cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Ashley

June 2017

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