cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I said I wanted more weird dream/sleep experiences. After all, they've been one of the few things I've been laughing at lately. I talked about one where I grabbed window shades to stop myself from falling, only to realize that, by then, I was awake and on my bed. Though there was a decent chance I could've broken the shades, all the laughing about it after was refreshing. So I sincerely wanted something like that to happen again.

Somehow, it took me a while to notice this, but often fall into a light sleep for short periods of time when comfortable enough. This is most noticeable when I'm texting someone, and a long line of random letters appears on my screen out of nowhere. It doesn't feel like I fell asleep at all. If anything, it feels like I zoned out for a second or two, but the number of letters that appeared on my screen pointed to it being much longer than that. 

I didn't think I was randomly falling asleep like this until after the sleep study. During the daytime tests, when I had to lie in bed for 10-15 minute segments while they read my brain waves, I didn't think I slept at all, but the people running the test kept walking in saying that I was asleep and in R.E.M. somehow. So I started paying attention to the random "zoning out" moments, and they're slowly starting to reveal some dream-like qualities. 

Anyway, this morning I started playing a game on my phone, and it didn't take long for me to start "zoning out." As I was slowly becoming more conscious, I noticed that my thumb was on the home button (which is also a fingerprint scanner, used for unlocking the phone and making payments and other important things) and assumed I was just unlocking my phone because it went into sleep mode or something. Then I realized that 1. I was still in the game, not on the lock screen, and 2. A MESSAGE JUST POPPED UP SAYING THAT I MADE A PAYMENT. ($25.00. It wasn't one of the cheaper options.) The game was full of ads for offers costing real money, yes, but my fingers managed to tap actual buttons and move my thumb to the home button at the right time. I couldn't tell if this was more impressive or scary. It was...shocking... for sure.

It's kind of like my unconscious side is learning how to do more and more on its own, and I'm going to have to kid proof (can't think of a better descriptor) things so I'm not cleaning up its messes later. (I guess I already kind of do this with emotional splitting, which doesn't seem that different from doing things in my sleep from this angle.) I'm also finding it way too interesting because brain-related stuff like this is right up my alley. And even though living with narcolepsy (though some people may have these experiences without it) can be H A R D, it's also comparable to living in multiple realities at once: hopping between them without much control, not knowing which reality a memory came from, having to piece together what actually happened, and, in a way, having more experiences that aren't linked chronologically... but through thought processes the brain has created a path between. Basically, it gives me something to figure out and is making me more familiar with how brains can work.

If this doesn't end up making sense, don't bother making sense of it. I can't really... "word" right now, and when I come up with a word, it feels off, and I'm unsure about using it. Basically, everything is a mess. I thought it'd be better to get something out now then forget this ever happened another day and not record it.

-Okay, you can stop explaining yourself now.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I don't have much to say about today other than the fact that I've been doing better than expected today. Maybe it's because of zoning out, but... I don't think it's that bad today. Of course, that makes me worry that I'm going to blow up later, which is likely. I don't know. This is weird.

Partner is still at the beach. I went on a walk--movement suggested for me to do after surgery--with my dad. It helped me realize that my legs are still wobbly, and I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was, but it was nice to move around for once. Now I'm still hooked up to the bone stimulator and just got the PICC line running. At least these things are a good excuse for not moving or trying to get much done around the house. 

Now I'm back to BDO and phone games, both of which require me to do nothing and just wait sometimes. Then I don't know what to do (orrr start writing this post).

Since I mentioned getting stuff done around the house, maybe I'll go more into that and at least stop avoiding thoughts about it. The whole house is a mess. Honestly, I think most of my family has given up on it. That includes me. I don't know the last time I had a clear head and motivation to work on something. Doing 5 minutes of work at a time worked at first... now I'm having a hard time doing that, or even looking in different directions. Now, fixing all of these messes sounds impossible.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I guess this would be true in more ways than one. The FP has left for his beach trip, with its approach probably being connected to the random bouts of paranoia I've been getting. (No, this is not an excuse for how I act or treat people when I am feeling that way.) It's a big impact on him, too, and randomly turning on him has to be making it worse. Not a good setup. It's also a "big day" to some other people apparently. My dad just left for a wedding with his big tripod and lots of other things. (He's really into photography. I don't know if I'd even call it a "hobby" anymore.) I'm assuming someone in his family is getting married again. Pretty sure there was at least one divorce recently.

I'll probably be home zoning out. Like usual, nothing feels worth doing unless it's instantly rewarding. If I get too obsessive with something, especially while in this depressed/zoned out state, it drags me further into it. I probably need to do a variety of things and stop feeding this state. But what's beyond this state? How do I know that changing my state of mind will be worth the effort. For all I know, it could be impossible. I don't know. 

Just need to stop making this impact him. It's kind of late to come up with a plan, though.

Honestly, I think emotions began building up a while ago. Or there was some change. I almost thought the trip would be okay because, most of the time, my emotions didn't have much of a reaction to it. I've seen him go on this trip for several years now, and I couldn't remember ever feeling this calm about it... except maybe after he's left, when I'm able to go deep into a dissociative state. But soon before the surgery, I think I started getting some auditory hallucinations for the first time in a while. It's hard to remember with my brain throwing memories in the trash, but I think it's been even worse over the past few days. Come to think of it, I've also barely slept over the past few nights. I've also barely slept for two days, something I almost thought was unrelated to the beach trip because, for much of the time, I was really numb and felt okay. Me, a narcolept, has barely slept for two days. And this sort of thing rarely happens to me unless I feel overly restless and energetic--certainly not numb. So, yeah, I think this stuff affects my unconscious long before I'm aware of something being wrong.

Wow, it's only about 1PM right now. So used to an hour going by in what feels like 10 minutes.

My FP has so much has so much ahead of him. He's doing well in his classes, got invited to join an internship program, is probably the most sympathetic person I know, has what looks like a supportive family, and... so many other things. And now I'm negatively impacting all of that. 

Why am I sitting here complaining when I need to work on getting it under control? Probably should go to counseling again (there were a few problems the last few times). It just... sounds so overwhelming. I'm on medication. It takes a while to figure out what's working in that area, too. It'd be a lot simpler if I never met him/got close to him and none of this ever happened. I don't know how much counseling helped anyway. They did a lot to redirect my anger and realize something that might be having a negative effect on me, which cleared things up for all of us, but... I don't know how it's supposed to help. This reminds me of being in the car back from counseling after 6+ months of going weekly, and they'd ask about improvement (or one of them would). I could never tell. Now when I think about talk therapy at least, it sounds weird to think so much about improvement. Maybe it's just me. It's kind of like one of the mindfulness rules: Your goal is not to change or feel better; it is to help you live in the present moment. (Something like that.) 

Anyway, my mind blanked out, and that's probably a good thing. Be back with another not-so-great and way-too-personal mess of an entry soon probably!! 

Unsure

Apr. 20th, 2017 08:50 pm
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
There's been a lot going on for me lately, so prepare for more negative posts than usual (not that I have many posts on here anyway). I spend a lot of time trying not to process negative thoughts, and when I write on here, I can kind of touch the surface of doing that. Maybe I'll be able to talk about more difficult subjects in the future.

What's been going on? To be honest, it takes a while for me to fish it out of my brain. I'll try to list some things.
  1. Spine/brain surgery. This one hasn't affected me too much, possibly because I disconnect from so many things and can't tell what I'm feeling until it gets bad (ooops...). The thing I'm most worried about has to be the recovery time. I don't know if I can handle being even more stuck in the house mentally. 
  2. Possibly moving to New Mexico. Almost forgot about this one. The plan is to move by next fall. Don't get me wrong. I love traveling and spending time in different places, but I have some pretty bad experiences with moving that aren't directly related to the move itself. It's complicated and a scary subject for me.
  3.  My FP might have to go on a beach trip with some old friends. This is probably the scariest thing for me even though it sounds like nothing. It's happened before, but my brain seems to delete memories like that. I'm scared of my paranoid ideas finally being proved as true, and I'm scared of entering a rage due to finding something like that out. It doesn't sound reasonable, but talking me out of it won't help. If anything, it'll probably make me more suspicious of you. I'm trying to work through this and improve.
  4. Family drama. I'm not going to publically go into detail, but there's been a lot of chaos in my family lately. Recently, I found out that it's a bigger deal than I thought. Overall, it adds to all the confusion and makes it harder to trust anyone's perceptions, including mine.
And that's what came to mind (on top of the usual difficulties). I don't know what I'm going to do right now. This was written to try to express and organize my thoughts by the way. No need for commenting or anything. 

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I’ve been finding so many contradicting opinions on here--both of which make sense--that have my emotions exhaustedly running in circles. I’m usually scared to be in the middle of those contradictions, too, because a lot of people advertise the idea that you’re a Bad Person if you don’t believe ____ 100.5% of the time. Since my brain automatically tries to categorize things as good or bad, it acts like it gets new proof every time someone else enforces that idea.

And I know there are reasons people do this. My head is too jumbled for me to actually give an opinion on that right now... or ever. All I can say is that, from experience, once my brain labels me as hopelessly bad, I give up on improving. If being “good enough” is on the opposite side of where you are, it takes a lot of willpower to get there.

Going to add a cut before getting more specific about one thing that’s been confusing me. To anyone who reads this, please know that I am not settled in my opinion, and that you can correct me on anything.

Read more... )
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I've been thinking, and it really seems like I have a strong need to constantly remind myself that some of my behaviors are labeled as abusive. Like most of the time I find something I do in a video/article about abuse, I feel uncomfortable and guilty but also like I’m keeping myself in check or something. I think a huge part of me is scared of doing all these things and not being aware of what they’re labeled as and their impact on others’ lives. I’m not saying I’m aware of everything I do, but I’ve seen a lot of people deny almost all (of not all) of these behaviors. And as someone who was affected by their behaviors, what I wanted more than anything else was for them to admit to it--or at least some of it.

So I guess that’s what I’m trying to do, though I admit that I’m getting a bit obsessive with it. The more abusive behavior I see in myself, the more powerful and in-control I feel (at least for a little). I feel like a better person than I was before saying the behavior was “abusive.” Idk how helpful this is, but realizing it is a problem should mean that I can at least try to fix it.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It’s that time of day when I’m more aware of how empty I feel, and I start feeling really anxious and tense. I’m trying to figure out what I could do today that’s either meaningful or enjoyable, but nothing is meaningful, and everything that doesn’t have a meaningful effect usually isn’t enjoyable. I’m probably anxious because I feel like I’m wasting time, need to make a decision (or many decisions), and like I need to quickly find something meaningful in some way because I can’t take the feeling of just existing. And basically my biggest fear is just existing.

One thing I’ve never been able to understand is people who are satisfied with a “normal” life… people being content with having a family, an okay job, friends, and a normal house. (Yikes, hopefully this doesn’t sound as… ungrateful as I think it does.) Just thinking about that future scares me. Being stuck in the house for much of the time would make things so much worse for me.

What do I prefer over that lifestyle? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I do, but then that future will become pointless, too. I don’t know if my environment could ever make me content. I could keep myself moving to get that “rush” feeling that boosts my mood, but I don’t have the mental/physical energy to keep that up. I’m going to have to learn how to just exist… somehow.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
So I might be going to a Holocaust museum in D.C. today!! This will be extremely liberating because I’ll be traveling by metro without a parent and will only be relying on one person!!! Progress?

I just wish it wasn’t so cold outside. Maybe my random heat surges will prove useful. Also, I’m in a decent amount of pain, but it won’t take long to get to the metro, and the museum should be less than 10 minutes away from the stop. They also have wheelchairs and other mobility aids in the museum. I don’t know if I could use them publicly without panicking or coming close to panic, though... but... they’re there. I can use them if I’m desperate (and that would be when the desperation is stronger than the panic of using them).

So yeah, trying to kindle this excitement without getting my hopes up too much!
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Realizing (again) how much my house has calmed down over the past however many months. And even several months ago, things might’ve still been better off than they were years ago. The problem is that things were more... consistent(?) back then. Now, things can be fine for several days... then something big will hit out of nowhere. Often, there isn’t even a sign or a warning; it just happens. Sometimes things will even go really well, and I’ll start to fall into that hole of trusting, but it ends up being used against me. Good thing I’m starting to get used to that now, and it doesn’t hurt as much. I think I keep going back and forth between “expose everything, put your armor on, and prepare for the worst,” and “only reveal something when it proves useful to you.” Obviously, those are more black-and-white thoughts because my brain can’t take uncertainty. But nothing is certain enough no matter how hard it tries, and I think that confuses it. So one method will feel safe for a while... until it shows how inconsistent it is.

And like I was going to say, things in my house have calmed down more, yes, but they’re also more consistent. I often start to zone out more when things are quiet and beg for something--anything, including things like surgery--to happen and distract me. Not being able to leave the house in several weeks makes things worse.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I really need to learn more about politics and at least how our political system works.

Actually, I need to learn about a lot of things, including my health conditions, how to drive, how to be an adult… I never know what to focus on first, and when I do think about researching something, my brain just shuts down and doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Then, because saying I’ll look into it later isn’t definite, I get overwhelmed about that, and my brain tells me that I’ll just live like this. After all, I don’t plan on staying here for too long… if I do, I’ll figure something out. Maybe. As long as I don’t have to worry about it now.

About

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Ashley

June 2017

S M T W T F S
    123
45678910
111213 14151617
18192021222324
252627282930 

Syndicate

RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Aug. 21st, 2017 11:51 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios