cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Just went with my mom on a trip to take clothes back to the mall because she said she'd pick up something for me to eat. And coffee. I don't know if either of those things were worth the trip, though.

My mom has been really emotional the whole time, and even though it wasn't because of me this time, it brought back emotions and memories from when it was because of me. Trying to help her when I'm like that helps no one, so I tried to emotionally separate myself from her as much as possible. Luckily, nothing horrible happened during the trip.

Now I'm home--still uneasy and restless and unsure of what to do with myself. At least I have coffee and don't have to worry about getting something to eat tonight.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I don't have much to say about today other than the fact that I've been doing better than expected today. Maybe it's because of zoning out, but... I don't think it's that bad today. Of course, that makes me worry that I'm going to blow up later, which is likely. I don't know. This is weird.

Partner is still at the beach. I went on a walk--movement suggested for me to do after surgery--with my dad. It helped me realize that my legs are still wobbly, and I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was, but it was nice to move around for once. Now I'm still hooked up to the bone stimulator and just got the PICC line running. At least these things are a good excuse for not moving or trying to get much done around the house. 

Now I'm back to BDO and phone games, both of which require me to do nothing and just wait sometimes. Then I don't know what to do (orrr start writing this post).

Since I mentioned getting stuff done around the house, maybe I'll go more into that and at least stop avoiding thoughts about it. The whole house is a mess. Honestly, I think most of my family has given up on it. That includes me. I don't know the last time I had a clear head and motivation to work on something. Doing 5 minutes of work at a time worked at first... now I'm having a hard time doing that, or even looking in different directions. Now, fixing all of these messes sounds impossible.

Unsure

Apr. 20th, 2017 08:50 pm
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
There's been a lot going on for me lately, so prepare for more negative posts than usual (not that I have many posts on here anyway). I spend a lot of time trying not to process negative thoughts, and when I write on here, I can kind of touch the surface of doing that. Maybe I'll be able to talk about more difficult subjects in the future.

What's been going on? To be honest, it takes a while for me to fish it out of my brain. I'll try to list some things.
  1. Spine/brain surgery. This one hasn't affected me too much, possibly because I disconnect from so many things and can't tell what I'm feeling until it gets bad (ooops...). The thing I'm most worried about has to be the recovery time. I don't know if I can handle being even more stuck in the house mentally. 
  2. Possibly moving to New Mexico. Almost forgot about this one. The plan is to move by next fall. Don't get me wrong. I love traveling and spending time in different places, but I have some pretty bad experiences with moving that aren't directly related to the move itself. It's complicated and a scary subject for me.
  3.  My FP might have to go on a beach trip with some old friends. This is probably the scariest thing for me even though it sounds like nothing. It's happened before, but my brain seems to delete memories like that. I'm scared of my paranoid ideas finally being proved as true, and I'm scared of entering a rage due to finding something like that out. It doesn't sound reasonable, but talking me out of it won't help. If anything, it'll probably make me more suspicious of you. I'm trying to work through this and improve.
  4. Family drama. I'm not going to publically go into detail, but there's been a lot of chaos in my family lately. Recently, I found out that it's a bigger deal than I thought. Overall, it adds to all the confusion and makes it harder to trust anyone's perceptions, including mine.
And that's what came to mind (on top of the usual difficulties). I don't know what I'm going to do right now. This was written to try to express and organize my thoughts by the way. No need for commenting or anything. 

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Today's been better. Still getting that constant vertigo and weird bladder issues, but I've been able to manage. (To be honest, it got to the point where I lightly peed my pants yesterday without warning. It was during a time when the constantly-needing-to-pee feeling was finally leaving me alone for once. That feeling doesn't seem to trustworthy anymore, but I know my body's trying its best.) It's been the most productive day I've had in a while, even though I spent most of the time zoning out. Now that I think of it, I can't really remember what I've done today. I just know that I've checked a lot of items off my to-do list. I'm good with that.

It's only about 11:30PM (which isn't that late to me), and I'm ready to lie down in bed and instantly fall asleep. I've spent much of the past few hours eating and spending time with my family. (Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted.) We didn't have much of a variety, but the food was all really good--at least to me. It's been a while since I've had that much real food. We also picked up some gluten-free bready things from a nearby (meaning an hour away) bakery. I really wish my stomach could hold more of that stuff.

Compared to yesterday and the days before, everything feels a lot clearer, and I think I'm less depressed. At least I could say I'm much more motivated than before. I mean, there's no way I would've been able to get any of this stuff done during the last however many days. Maybe I'll continue to feel this way tomorrow.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It's been a long hard day, and things between my parents have hit rock-bottom. In the end, things still seemed to turn out okay. I think I've come to a better understanding of my mom and why she doesn't hear many of the things people say. I think she's also been more honest with herself and felt safe enough to admit that it might be something she does. She seems to have many huge signs of ADHD (at least the hyperactive kind), especially since she talked about all the details she naturally notices at once and how she often couldn't focus on the person speaking for long. There's been a long history of her not hearing most of what I (and my dad apparently) have said and assuming I have said something negative. Then she would often accuse me of saying something I didn't say (and sometimes said the opposite of) because of her negative experiences with people in the past. She also has a habit of focusing on at least one other thing while most of the stuff I say goes over her head. More recently I've learned that multitasking might improve her concentration. That makes me feel much better and less ignored to be honest.

sorry

Nov. 17th, 2016 11:15 pm
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I can’t even think of anything you’ve done wrong recently. It’s all stuff from the past that suddenly comes back from somewhere in the depths of my head when you act and feel this way. I feel like I’m being emotionally attacked, and at this point, I can’t even remember what happened in the past that came back into my mind. Wouldn’t be surprising if I was just overreacting to the same kind of thing that’s happening now. Every now and then, I snap out of it and realize it’s not happening anymore… realize how hurt and broken you sound. You apologized… even after I couldn’t hold back all of my frustration. I’m so, so, so confused. Maybe I always was. I’m sorry.

Originally posted on Tumblr. 

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cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Ashley

June 2017

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