Inner Conflict About Mobility Aids

It’s really hard to handle this emptiness, and I end up getting really uneasy, anxious, and in need of a lot going on around me. Although going to my partner’s house can really help, I often feel trapped in a silent and stagnant place without an easily-accessible way to get rid of the feeling. It’s basically that stuck-in-an-empty-room feeling. Leaving the house can help a little, though I’ve been physically crashing very easily lately. So there opens the thin line between balancing my physical and emotional health.

Tonight I came up with an idea: Maybe there are free-to-use wheelchairs in the mall near his house. Being in a crowded and noisy environment is enough to make me feel bad the next day, but maybe if I conserve energy by not walking as much, I won’t feel as bad.

Problem is... I’m really scared of using a wheelchair while I can walk. There are so many stories about people getting insulted/harassed for using a wheelchair when they “don’t need it.” Plus, since wheeling myself around in one might be worse for my joints than walking (which is probably worse for fatigue/other symptoms), I’d probably have to rely on my partner to push me around. I really don’t want him to have to deal with that... even if he says he’s fine with it. I don’t even know if a wheelchair would help that much, and the guilt would probably be overwhelming. Basically, I really don’t know if it’d worth it.

We’ll see what happens.

Originally posted on Tumblr.