cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
I'll be transfering over to the local university next semester. These are the classes I'm planning on taking so far:
  • The Dreaming Brain
  • Abnormal Behavior
  • Psychology of Personality (or something like that)
I'm taking three classes because I had a hard time with two last semester. But then again, I only end up with As in my classes, so I probably could take more. It just feels impossible for some reason I guess. This is probably my result of being unschooled up until I went to college. I'm not used to this stuff, and it's like it my results either have to be A-range, or I quit and "can't" do the assignment. I know I'll probably need to get over that, which probably means taking a full load of classes, but then again my mental health has been pretty bad lately, and I don't want to take on too much. 

Just to have it written down, I'm finishing up Psychology Statistics and College Algebra this semester (Fall 2020). It looks like I'll get good results in them, though it's been extremely overwhelming. 

A good thing about switching from a community college (or at least this specific community college) to a university is that I can actually get live lectures of my online classes. The community college I went to didn't offer that, and I'm pretty confident that having live lectures will make things easier and boost my mental health. Just going to the online orientation made me feel better for a little while. I'm pretty sure it's the first time I've really been around people (who aren't my nurses) since I've been stuck at home for who knows how many months at this point. It was really refreshing to actually get up, shower, do my makeup, and see real people on the screen. Some people might tell me to go ahead and shower and do my makeup regularly, because it seems like I'd feel better that way, but it's really not the same if I'm just going to be alone. I mean, it would probably make me feel a little better, but I doubt it's worth the effort of doing all that stuff. 
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
I'm honestly not sure what to say here, so I'm just going to say what's on my mind and see what happens.

I've started attempting to get my schoolwork done in the morning/earlier in the day, and so far, I've been succeeding a lot of the time. I think just changing up your schedule can be really refreshing if you can. The problem: After I get everything done, I realized that I'm depressed and can't get myself to do anything I enjoy anyway. So part of me is like.. what's the point of getting everything done early if I'm just going to spend the rest of the day unable to get myself to do anything except maybe lie on the floor? Maybe I'll figure something out. 

I've been trying to play Genshin Impact and WoW, but I haven't had much motivation or energy to do those things either. This is probably a really boring update.

The foster kittens have been playing in this one cardboard box for hours this morning. I don't understand how they get fixated on one thing for so long. I really wish I could do that right now. 
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
I noticed that i haven't posted much on here recently. I suppose I'll type out a little update. Warning: This is ending up negative. (This has been manually crossposted onto other sites. Originally posted on Waterfall.social.)

Things are definitely getting harder the longer we have to stay inside. Apparently that three-year period of time when I left the house once or twice a month didn't get me used to it. It's hard to tell if I'll personally be able to adapt, but ah, oh well I guess.

So my mental health has been worse, particularly the depression. I've been trying to keep up with doing stuff like watching shows, reading things, and playing games, but it's honestly been really hard to get myself off the floor, a place where I spend much of my time lying down miserably.

I've also been isolating big-time, but I guess I've been doing that for years now, due to depressive and avoidant symptoms. And once you've been avoiding people for years, it's really hard to get back into talking to them anyway. I've been trying, telling myself that maybe they don't hate me because they're inviting me back, but it's hard. I don't know what to think. i don't want to make the assumption that they want to talk to me.

Social media does help me feel a little more connected to others, though!

On the bright side, I guess I'm getting my medications (slowly) changed, and I'm going to therapy again.

Oh, and I'm not sure if I've said this, but my partner and i are fostering kittens! It does help with my mental state for multiple reasons, including the fact that we have to have a schedule for taking care of them. For example, they have to be fed four times in 24 hours.

Anyway, I might post more later. I didn't expect this to be about my mental health, but I guess I'll post it anyway? How are you guys doing?
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
I'm having one of those nights where I'm in a good mood and can't really sleep. Maybe I'll try to use this site again to log my life. Right now, I'm mostly using Vent and sometimes MoodTrack on my phone to journal, but I might hop over here and write some thoughts down every now and then.

Cluster C

Nov. 6th, 2018 05:32 am
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
The psychiatrist seems to think I might have AvPD as well (I didn’t even have to bring it up myself—phew) + cluster C traits in general. I can tell that she sees the dependent in me. She’s thinking I should try something called Intensive Outpatient Group Therapy (or something like that), and I’m pretty sure I’d have to attend multiple days a week. Guess I won’t be taking many classes if/when I do that.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
I don't have much to say about today other than the fact that I've been doing better than expected today. Maybe it's because of zoning out, but... I don't think it's that bad today. Of course, that makes me worry that I'm going to blow up later, which is likely. I don't know. This is weird.

Partner is still at the beach. I went on a walk--movement suggested for me to do after surgery--with my dad. It helped me realize that my legs are still wobbly, and I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was, but it was nice to move around for once. Now I'm still hooked up to the bone stimulator and just got the PICC line running. At least these things are a good excuse for not moving or trying to get much done around the house. 

Now I'm back to BDO and phone games, both of which require me to do nothing and just wait sometimes. Then I don't know what to do (orrr start writing this post).

Since I mentioned getting stuff done around the house, maybe I'll go more into that and at least stop avoiding thoughts about it. The whole house is a mess. Honestly, I think most of my family has given up on it. That includes me. I don't know the last time I had a clear head and motivation to work on something. Doing 5 minutes of work at a time worked at first... now I'm having a hard time doing that, or even looking in different directions. Now, fixing all of these messes sounds impossible.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
I guess this would be true in more ways than one. The FP has left for his beach trip, with its approach probably being connected to the random bouts of paranoia I've been getting. (No, this is not an excuse for how I act or treat people when I am feeling that way.) It's a big impact on him, too, and randomly turning on him has to be making it worse. Not a good setup. It's also a "big day" to some other people apparently. My dad just left for a wedding with his big tripod and lots of other things. (He's really into photography. I don't know if I'd even call it a "hobby" anymore.) I'm assuming someone in his family is getting married again. Pretty sure there was at least one divorce recently.

I'll probably be home zoning out. Like usual, nothing feels worth doing unless it's instantly rewarding. If I get too obsessive with something, especially while in this depressed/zoned out state, it drags me further into it. I probably need to do a variety of things and stop feeding this state. But what's beyond this state? How do I know that changing my state of mind will be worth the effort. For all I know, it could be impossible. I don't know. 

Just need to stop making this impact him. It's kind of late to come up with a plan, though.

Honestly, I think emotions began building up a while ago. Or there was some change. I almost thought the trip would be okay because, most of the time, my emotions didn't have much of a reaction to it. I've seen him go on this trip for several years now, and I couldn't remember ever feeling this calm about it... except maybe after he's left, when I'm able to go deep into a dissociative state. But soon before the surgery, I think I started getting some auditory hallucinations for the first time in a while. It's hard to remember with my brain throwing memories in the trash, but I think it's been even worse over the past few days. Come to think of it, I've also barely slept over the past few nights. I've also barely slept for two days, something I almost thought was unrelated to the beach trip because, for much of the time, I was really numb and felt okay. Me, a narcolept, has barely slept for two days. And this sort of thing rarely happens to me unless I feel overly restless and energetic--certainly not numb. So, yeah, I think this stuff affects my unconscious long before I'm aware of something being wrong.

Wow, it's only about 1PM right now. So used to an hour going by in what feels like 10 minutes.

My FP has so much has so much ahead of him. He's doing well in his classes, got invited to join an internship program, is probably the most sympathetic person I know, has what looks like a supportive family, and... so many other things. And now I'm negatively impacting all of that. 

Why am I sitting here complaining when I need to work on getting it under control? Probably should go to counseling again (there were a few problems the last few times). It just... sounds so overwhelming. I'm on medication. It takes a while to figure out what's working in that area, too. It'd be a lot simpler if I never met him/got close to him and none of this ever happened. I don't know how much counseling helped anyway. They did a lot to redirect my anger and realize something that might be having a negative effect on me, which cleared things up for all of us, but... I don't know how it's supposed to help. This reminds me of being in the car back from counseling after 6+ months of going weekly, and they'd ask about improvement (or one of them would). I could never tell. Now when I think about talk therapy at least, it sounds weird to think so much about improvement. Maybe it's just me. It's kind of like one of the mindfulness rules: Your goal is not to change or feel better; it is to help you live in the present moment. (Something like that.) 

Anyway, my mind blanked out, and that's probably a good thing. Be back with another not-so-great and way-too-personal mess of an entry soon probably!! 

cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
I think I've been letting myself sleep too much lately. In a way, I'm kind of happy that I can sleep pretty much whenever I want to. It means I can freely skip through different periods of time and remember even less of what happened. That doesn't mean it's improving things, though.

I'm currently sitting at my desk (instead of on the rug sleeping) in a quiet house next to an IV pole with a pretty-much-empty bag of fluids. Not much longer, and I'll be free to walk around without dragging this giant pole everywhere. Too bad I don't feel like doing anything... except sleeping. I don't know what else to do. Nothing is going on in my brain right now, and I don't have anything that needs to get done asap. (This reminds me that my spaces in the house are a mess, and I have baskets of clothes to fold, but it's all stuff I can't get myself to care enough to do.)

Went up to 300mg of Lithium today. No difference so far... as far as I can tell. Or I think that happened. All this sleep (especially with narcolepsy/other sleep variances) is messing with my memory. It's hard to tell what has actually happened--like even harder than usual--and what is a false memory generated by a dream. 

Okay, just got unhooked from the IV line. I have a little motivation now. Maybe I can get myself to do something... but what? It's already almost 8PM.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
I didn't think that Vyvanse was helping that much, but switching from 50mg once a day to 30mg twice a day seems to be making a huge difference. Falling asleep is even easier than it was before, and being depressed, I've been taking that to my advantage. Now, when I'm stuck at home for most of the day, I spend a lot of time sleeping. I guess I got used to the effects of the other dose because I don't remember fighting quite this hard to stay awake, even when I was unmedicated. At least this shows that something is working. I need to contact my psych nurse (who seems to know more about narcolepsy than my sleep specialist did), but I've been lacking so much energy and motivation. Since much of my depression seems dopamine-related, I might be going downhill in that area, too. I don't think the adrenaline rushes have been that bad since changing the dose, though.

cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
Not sure why I'm attempting to post something now considering the fact that my mind is so blank. Just got back from a long appointment. Actually, the appointment wasn't that long itself, but the trip plus chaos and drama in the car took up time and energy. I feel so empty right now but am scared of trying to fill that empty spot... just so it doesn't feel like I keep losing everything again... if that makes any sense. 

On the bright side, just being able to type out words and hear the clicking of my keyboard seems to be grounding me. I think I feel like I have more freedom, too. 

I hate being reminded of all the time and resources I take up by existing. Being sick... being an incompetent person who doesn't do anything... the fact that my family already has enough trouble with conditions that doctors/researchers don't know much about... me being really hard to deal with in general... I don't know. And, because of a lot of this, I'm the reason someone wants to die.

I'm starting to numb everything out more, but I hate what feeling nothing... feels like. The more time I spend feeling nothing, the worse this restless emptiness feeling gets. (So I can't say I'm really "feeling nothing" after a certain period of time.)

Anyway, the reason I had the cardiologist appointment today was because I needed him to sign off that, from his perspective, I was ready for surgery. (Can't remember if I've talked about this here yet, but some doctor finally ran the right tests and found something that was "significantly" wrong with my cervical spine. C1 and C2 are slipping off of eachother way too much, and there seems to be some deformities in that area as well. Plus there's wayyy too much space in between them. Like C1 was 2x or 3x further above C2 than it should be. (Will my neck be noticeably shorter after surgery???) And because I have a mild Chiari malformation issue and spinal fluid blockage (or however you say it), he'll be removing a bone behind my neck as well. 

Also, some important veins can be temporarily closed off by my neck subluxing, so that could explain the vision loss and floaters I get when putting my head in certain positions, especially when my POTS is acting up.

To keep going with this updating thing, I also got a PICC line inserted at some point (for IV saline five days a week). With all my ups and downs, it's hard to tell how much it's helped, but one thing we know for sure is that I gained 6 pounds since starting the treatment. I'm still underweight, but holy shit, I don't think I've ever weighed this much. Since some point before the fluids, my BMI (yes, I know that system isn't perfect, but it's a way to show the changes) has gone from low 16 to high 17. So I'm almost up to a "normal" weight, though I seem to have smaller bones that anyone else I' remember meeting, so I could be closer to a "normal" weight than I thought. Fuck you, dehydration!!

Typing all that was distracting. I should probably get something to eat. Back to the weight thing, I haven't even been eating that much lately due to mental health reasons. I wonder if I could get up to 110--I mean I only have 6-7 (depending) pounds to go. But. yeah. food. I'll probably put that off for a little longer, and then we'll see.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
Yesterday wasn’t bad, and last night was one of those nights where I became more and more awake as time went on. Around 6AM, I was much more awake and motivated than usual, and since I obviously wasn’t going to sleep, I got up (well at like 9-10AM) after playing some mystery/puzzle game I impulse bought on my 3DS. Annnd I still feel surprisingly good and alert just… restless. But when am I not, especially around this time of day?

My brain, deciding to actually think today, did the thing where it came up with a bunch of ideas… I think. I can’t remember.

I also posted a bunch of random stuff on my Twitter account because my brain has decided that that’s where I’ll post “super casual” stuff (No Exceptions). My brain likes to do this weird thing with grammar/punctuation rules: Each site has its own rules that can get really… specific. If I don’t follow them, I don’t know… It sounds extremely overwhelming and like I’ve lost even more control. I can change them (or slip in an experiment with different rules), but all real changes have to be official and a choice I’m 100% okay with making. It’s weird. I know.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
I've been thinking, and it really seems like I have a strong need to constantly remind myself that some of my behaviors are labeled as abusive. Like most of the time I find something I do in a video/article about abuse, I feel uncomfortable and guilty but also like I’m keeping myself in check or something. I think a huge part of me is scared of doing all these things and not being aware of what they’re labeled as and their impact on others’ lives. I’m not saying I’m aware of everything I do, but I’ve seen a lot of people deny almost all (of not all) of these behaviors. And as someone who was affected by their behaviors, what I wanted more than anything else was for them to admit to it--or at least some of it.

So I guess that’s what I’m trying to do, though I admit that I’m getting a bit obsessive with it. The more abusive behavior I see in myself, the more powerful and in-control I feel (at least for a little). I feel like a better person than I was before saying the behavior was “abusive.” Idk how helpful this is, but realizing it is a problem should mean that I can at least try to fix it.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
It’s that time of day when I’m more aware of how empty I feel, and I start feeling really anxious and tense. I’m trying to figure out what I could do today that’s either meaningful or enjoyable, but nothing is meaningful, and everything that doesn’t have a meaningful effect usually isn’t enjoyable. I’m probably anxious because I feel like I’m wasting time, need to make a decision (or many decisions), and like I need to quickly find something meaningful in some way because I can’t take the feeling of just existing. And basically my biggest fear is just existing.

One thing I’ve never been able to understand is people who are satisfied with a “normal” life… people being content with having a family, an okay job, friends, and a normal house. (Yikes, hopefully this doesn’t sound as… ungrateful as I think it does.) Just thinking about that future scares me. Being stuck in the house for much of the time would make things so much worse for me.

What do I prefer over that lifestyle? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I do, but then that future will become pointless, too. I don’t know if my environment could ever make me content. I could keep myself moving to get that “rush” feeling that boosts my mood, but I don’t have the mental/physical energy to keep that up. I’m going to have to learn how to just exist… somehow.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
January 2, 2017

It’s been a long day yesterday, much of which I spent at a New Years party. Today I’m exhausted and can’t stop hot flashing. The party itself definitely could’ve been better, and I ended up feeling really… forgotten and abandoned by the end of the day, but going to Michael’s after the party was better. People actually acted like they kind of wanted to be there. I got to give up on trying to make sure everyone was pleased.
 
Personal prompt: What are some things you want to improve in the New Year?

Obviously, there’s my health—both physical and mental. Then I could at least do more than I’m doing now. I would also impact others’ lives less, which would be a big thing for me. I really don’t like how needy I am right now. If they’re going to help me, I wish that I could at least stop impacting their lives negatively. Maybe have more of a positive influence on them.

This goes along with the other improvement I’d like to make, but I’d also like to feel more competent. Maybe I can do that by getting my driver’s permit or learning some of the skills needed to survive independently. None of that really seems possible, but that’ll never change. Maybe I’ll try and do surprisingly well. That’s probably the mindset I should be using right now.

Creative Prompt: Come up with a pitch for a new television show. (What’s it about? Who stars in it? Where does it take place?)

In the new show, Myth Pouncers, three cats named Rocket, Racer, and Toby (played by none other than themselves) test what no cat has tested before. The trio travels all over the world to find and catch the truth. Can cats really eat all of a mouse’s bones? Find out as they chow down in the downtown barn restaurant. Can they climb to heights that were thought to be impossible to reach? The answer will be revealed when execute the dangerous mission of climbing to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Do cats really have nine lives? Discover the truth when the three daredevils go skydiving… without a parachute.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
My depression has suddenly gotten worse over the past few days. I still haven't figured out why, and I'm starting to feel like maybe the new meds aren't working. Still, I've had more "good days" than I've had before starting it, so I'm trying to focus on the fact that there's a somewhat high chance it could be doing something. But I can't say it's easy to focus on anything when my head is an empty fuzzy mess. (I'm honestly surprised that I could get myself to write this.)

Anyway, I've been trying to get back into doing the Booster Buddy app, and it suggested that I write down a list of "anti-depression activities."  I just finished copying the list onto paper, but I think I'll write it here as well. My office is a mess, and paper can go missing very easily. I might come back and edit this to cross things off or put little marks next to them showing I did them.
  • Self care (shower, brush teeth, wash face, etc.)
  • Eat three meals, however small 
  • Sleep for 6-8 hours
  • Relax for 10 minutes
  • Accomplish one small task a day
  • Social contact (enough but not too much) x
  • Pleasure activities/hobbies x
  • Do something nice for yourself x
  • Do something nice for someone else
  • Replace negative thoughts with helpful thoughts
It's a long list that seems overwhelming at first, but the point is to look at what you have accomplished, even if you've only done one or two of these things a day... or every few days. Trying to remind myself that.


Dec. 22, 2016 - Thursday

  • Self care (shower, brush teeth, wash face, ate veggies)
  • Eat three meals, however small (not sure if what I ate counts as three meals but okay)
  • Sleep for 6-8 hours
  • Relax for 10 minutes (mindfulness exercise)
  • Accomplish one small task a day (made this list and got myself some food)
  • Social contact (talked online to a few people, talked to [livejournal.com profile] woofelss
  • Pleasure activities/hobbies (played games with [livejournal.com profile] woofelss , sang in the shower)
  • Do something nice for yourself (ate cookies)
  • Do something nice for someone else
  • Replace negative thoughts with helpful thoughts

Dec. 23, 2016 - Friday

  • Self care (shower, wash face, brush teeth)
  • Eat three meals, however small 
  • Sleep for 6-8 hours
  • Relax for 10 minutes
  • Accomplish one small task a day
  • Social contact 
  • Pleasure activities/hobbies 
  • Do something nice for yourself 
  • Do something nice for someone else
  • Replace negative thoughts with helpful thoughts

Dec. 24, 2016 - Saturday

  • Self care (shower, brush teeth, wash face)
  • Eat three meals, however small 
  • Sleep for 6-8 hours
  • Relax for 10 minutes (in bed after waking up)
  • Accomplish one small task a day (fed cats and kept them from stealing each others food)
  • Social contact (Spent the day with [livejournal.com profile] woofelss  and the night doing a Steam version of secret Santa with people online)
  • Pleasure activities/hobbies (spent time with cats, played new game, ate at Chilli's, etc.)
  • Do something nice for yourself (bought myself Subnautica)
  • Do something nice for someone else (bought Quinn three games for secret Santa and gave [livejournal.com profile] woofelss  a gift)
  • Replace negative thoughts with helpful thoughts
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
Whoa, I thought I'd finish reading the 7 Cups for the Searching Soul self-help guide on 7 Cups, and I'm suddenly seeing a bunch of connections between what it's saying and BPD. I wouldn't be surprised if I came to the same conclusions or even wrote about them before because my memory is horrible. I'll still go ahead and write some of my thoughts down real quick because I might forget about them again.

Anyway, I was rereading "Chapter 2: Denial" when these connections stood out to me. Basically (and don't be surprised if I miss something here), we spend much of our younger lives learning and categorizing acceptable and inacceptable behavior based on feedback from our parents/caregivers. The guide states that the "bad" or the socially unaccepted behaviors don't go away; they're shoved into a bag deep in your unconscious instead. In the end, who we are ends up being a product of what others have trained us to be. We naturally seek approval and validation from others, and we use it to unconsciously shape who we are. But, obviously, this can get out of hand.

What if some traits were considered bad sometimes and good at other times? What if the "social training" was inconsistent? What if the person ended up confused? What would shape who they are? How would they know how to safely act in social situations?

What parts of the self would end up in the bag then? Would any traits even consistently stay in the bag? It seems like this would create an unstable sense of self that constantly feels like it doesn't know how to be socially acceptable--and is constantly looking for clues and validation for how it acts. It wouldn't know what's effective, and even if it did, it wouldn't trust its experience as much because things have been so unpredictable.

And, of course, unpredictability in early relationships affects what's considered appropriate behavior in later relationships.

Here is a common example: many parents struggle when their kids are overly strong or angry. Parents, often times not meaning to, overcorrect this type of behavior. They may respond to anger, repeatedly, in a harsh manner or they may, unconsciously, withdraw from the child emotionally. Regardless, the child gets the message that anger threatens the relationship they have with their parents. This is anxiety provoking to a child because they need their parents in order to survive. They are dependent on them to live. What happens, gradually, is that the child learns that in order to maintain a close relationship with parents, they need to keep those angry feelings at bay. This happens repeatedly and the child eventually becomes walled off from their sense of anger. It is pushed down below the surface, into the unconscious.

This part really stood out to me. Children are naturally programmed to know that they need their parents, and they'll get anxious if their parents reject or negatively react to what they do. They need this person to live, so in order to survive, they have to learn how to properly act. If the validation for their actions was inconsistent or constantly changing, they might feel as if something terrible could happen no matter what they do. This reminds me of the relationship between someone (and I know this isn't everyone) with BPD and their "favorite person." It's almost as if it's a mirror of the child + caregiver relationship. The person with BPD has to be on guard at all times because they feel like relationships, at this point, aren't predictable.

Maybe I'll come back and rewrite this or word it better later.

cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
It’s really hard to handle this emptiness, and I end up getting really uneasy, anxious, and in need of a lot going on around me. Although going to my partner’s house can really help, I often feel trapped in a silent and stagnant place without an easily-accessible way to get rid of the feeling. It’s basically that stuck-in-an-empty-room feeling. Leaving the house can help a little, though I’ve been physically crashing very easily lately. So there opens the thin line between balancing my physical and emotional health.

Tonight I came up with an idea: Maybe there are free-to-use wheelchairs in the mall near his house. Being in a crowded and noisy environment is enough to make me feel bad the next day, but maybe if I conserve energy by not walking as much, I won’t feel as bad.

Problem is... I’m really scared of using a wheelchair while I can walk. There are so many stories about people getting insulted/harassed for using a wheelchair when they “don’t need it.” Plus, since wheeling myself around in one might be worse for my joints than walking (which is probably worse for fatigue/other symptoms), I’d probably have to rely on my partner to push me around. I really don’t want him to have to deal with that... even if he says he’s fine with it. I don’t even know if a wheelchair would help that much, and the guilt would probably be overwhelming. Basically, I really don’t know if it’d worth it.

We’ll see what happens.

Originally posted on Tumblr.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
SO it looks like the Prozac might actually be doing something. And that’s really surprising because I’ve tried a lot of medications, only a few of which were effective. I still think I have more of a variety in my mood, can think more clearly, and have more mental energy. Honestly, one of the most noticeable changes might be the lift of heavy fogginess in my head. Things also seem slightly more “colorful” and full of energy than before, and now my body seems to think that I only need 5-7 hours of sleep at night. Not sure if that’s a good thing.

One downside to having more mental energy is the moodiness. On days when I do have more variety in my mood, I can often get weepy or frustrated very easily. And that means I have to be more careful with splitting and black-and-white thinking. I think being stuck in such a low-energy state has helped me keep my emotions under control.

My psychiatric nurse also decided to prescribe me some low-dose lithium. That apparently can help with a variety of things.

I really appreciate my prescriber for not limiting me to small doses because of my weight. A lot of doctors I’ve been to have done that. Even if it’s a good idea, I’ve noticed that I often need much higher doses than expected to feel an effect (though there might be one or two meds that affect me more than expected). I’m supposed to continue sending her updates, and she might consider going up to 100mg (I think) because around 60-100mg is typical for the treatment of depression + OCD. I think she’s planning to slowly increase the lithium while keeping it at a relatively low dose.

If the Prozac is what’s improving my mood now (and I really think it is because I don’t think I normally feel this okay--especially in winter), it didn’t start helping with the depression until I got to about 60mg. Hopefully increasing the dose will improve my mood because I’m still not that functional like this.

Originally posted
on Tumblr.
cathugger: Muichiro Tokito from Demon Slayer smiling. (Default)
The past few days have been good to me... or at least I can see them as being good to me now. I've still be feeling pretty bad physically but have definitely been feeling better than usual mentally. I've also been sleeping less--a lot less. The amount of sleep I need--or the amount my body thinks I need--seems to depend on my mood, which isn't surprising. But I don't usually naturally sleep for 5-7 hours. Not often. I also think that I started sleeping more when we had to decrease the dose of the new medication. Now, I've been on a higher dose for a while, and I've started another medication that could be increasing the effect of the first one. 

I'm still feeling pretty flu-like, but that's not surprising considering it's winter and about time that I start feeling worse. I do think this medication is doing something for my mental health, though, and a small fraction of the meds I've tried have done anything. So that's promising. Normally, around this time, I would have a hard time moving and probably couldn't think clearly enough to type this (not that my brain is that clear right now). I didn't think progress would be this easy. Even if it is, I still have a lot to work on.

January 2021

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