Life Log

I guess this would be true in more ways than one. The FP has left for his beach trip, with its approach probably being connected to the random bouts of paranoia I've been getting. (No, this is not an excuse for how I act or treat people when I am feeling that way.) It's a big impact on him, too, and randomly turning on him has to be making it worse. Not a good setup. It's also a "big day" to some other people apparently. My dad just left for a wedding with his big tripod and lots of other things. (He's really into photography. I don't know if I'd even call it a "hobby" anymore.) I'm assuming someone in his family is getting married again. Pretty sure there was at least one divorce recently.

I'll probably be home zoning out. Like usual, nothing feels worth doing unless it's instantly rewarding. If I get too obsessive with something, especially while in this depressed/zoned out state, it drags me further into it. I probably need to do a variety of things and stop feeding this state. But what's beyond this state? How do I know that changing my state of mind will be worth the effort. For all I know, it could be impossible. I don't know. 

Just need to stop making this impact him. It's kind of late to come up with a plan, though.

Honestly, I think emotions began building up a while ago. Or there was some change. I almost thought the trip would be okay because, most of the time, my emotions didn't have much of a reaction to it. I've seen him go on this trip for several years now, and I couldn't remember ever feeling this calm about it... except maybe after he's left, when I'm able to go deep into a dissociative state. But soon before the surgery, I think I started getting some auditory hallucinations for the first time in a while. It's hard to remember with my brain throwing memories in the trash, but I think it's been even worse over the past few days. Come to think of it, I've also barely slept over the past few nights. I've also barely slept for two days, something I almost thought was unrelated to the beach trip because, for much of the time, I was really numb and felt okay. Me, a narcolept, has barely slept for two days. And this sort of thing rarely happens to me unless I feel overly restless and energetic--certainly not numb. So, yeah, I think this stuff affects my unconscious long before I'm aware of something being wrong.

Wow, it's only about 1PM right now. So used to an hour going by in what feels like 10 minutes.

My FP has so much has so much ahead of him. He's doing well in his classes, got invited to join an internship program, is probably the most sympathetic person I know, has what looks like a supportive family, and... so many other things. And now I'm negatively impacting all of that. 

Why am I sitting here complaining when I need to work on getting it under control? Probably should go to counseling again (there were a few problems the last few times). It just... sounds so overwhelming. I'm on medication. It takes a while to figure out what's working in that area, too. It'd be a lot simpler if I never met him/got close to him and none of this ever happened. I don't know how much counseling helped anyway. They did a lot to redirect my anger and realize something that might be having a negative effect on me, which cleared things up for all of us, but... I don't know how it's supposed to help. This reminds me of being in the car back from counseling after 6+ months of going weekly, and they'd ask about improvement (or one of them would). I could never tell. Now when I think about talk therapy at least, it sounds weird to think so much about improvement. Maybe it's just me. It's kind of like one of the mindfulness rules: Your goal is not to change or feel better; it is to help you live in the present moment. (Something like that.) 

Anyway, my mind blanked out, and that's probably a good thing. Be back with another not-so-great and way-too-personal mess of an entry soon probably!! 

I didn't think that Vyvanse was helping that much, but switching from 50mg once a day to 30mg twice a day seems to be making a huge difference. Falling asleep is even easier than it was before, and being depressed, I've been taking that to my advantage. Now, when I'm stuck at home for most of the day, I spend a lot of time sleeping. I guess I got used to the effects of the other dose because I don't remember fighting quite this hard to stay awake, even when I was unmedicated. At least this shows that something is working. I need to contact my psych nurse (who seems to know more about narcolepsy than my sleep specialist did), but I've been lacking so much energy and motivation. Since much of my depression seems dopamine-related, I might be going downhill in that area, too. I don't think the adrenaline rushes have been that bad since changing the dose, though.

Yesterday wasn’t bad, and last night was one of those nights where I became more and more awake as time went on. Around 6AM, I was much more awake and motivated than usual, and since I obviously wasn’t going to sleep, I got up (well at like 9-10AM) after playing some mystery/puzzle game I impulse bought on my 3DS. Annnd I still feel surprisingly good and alert just… restless. But when am I not, especially around this time of day?

My brain, deciding to actually think today, did the thing where it came up with a bunch of ideas… I think. I can’t remember.

I also posted a bunch of random stuff on my Twitter account because my brain has decided that that’s where I’ll post “super casual” stuff (No Exceptions). My brain likes to do this weird thing with grammar/punctuation rules: Each site has its own rules that can get really… specific. If I don’t follow them, I don’t know… It sounds extremely overwhelming and like I’ve lost even more control. I can change them (or slip in an experiment with different rules), but all real changes have to be official and a choice I’m 100% okay with making. It’s weird. I know.

It’s that time of day when I’m more aware of how empty I feel, and I start feeling really anxious and tense. I’m trying to figure out what I could do today that’s either meaningful or enjoyable, but nothing is meaningful, and everything that doesn’t have a meaningful effect usually isn’t enjoyable. I’m probably anxious because I feel like I’m wasting time, need to make a decision (or many decisions), and like I need to quickly find something meaningful in some way because I can’t take the feeling of just existing. And basically my biggest fear is just existing.

One thing I’ve never been able to understand is people who are satisfied with a “normal” life… people being content with having a family, an okay job, friends, and a normal house. (Yikes, hopefully this doesn’t sound as… ungrateful as I think it does.) Just thinking about that future scares me. Being stuck in the house for much of the time would make things so much worse for me.

What do I prefer over that lifestyle? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I do, but then that future will become pointless, too. I don’t know if my environment could ever make me content. I could keep myself moving to get that “rush” feeling that boosts my mood, but I don’t have the mental/physical energy to keep that up. I’m going to have to learn how to just exist… somehow.

My depression has suddenly gotten worse over the past few days. I still haven't figured out why, and I'm starting to feel like maybe the new meds aren't working. Still, I've had more "good days" than I've had before starting it, so I'm trying to focus on the fact that there's a somewhat high chance it could be doing something. But I can't say it's easy to focus on anything when my head is an empty fuzzy mess. (I'm honestly surprised that I could get myself to write this.)

Anyway, I've been trying to get back into doing the Booster Buddy app, and it suggested that I write down a list of "anti-depression activities."  I just finished copying the list onto paper, but I think I'll write it here as well. My office is a mess, and paper can go missing very easily. I might come back and edit this to cross things off or put little marks next to them showing I did them.

• Self care (shower, brush teeth, wash face, etc.)
• Eat three meals, however small 
• Sleep for 6-8 hours
• Relax for 10 minutes
• Accomplish one small task a day
• Social contact (enough but not too much) x
• Pleasure activities/hobbies x
• Do something nice for yourself x
• Do something nice for someone else
• Replace negative thoughts with helpful thoughts

It's a long list that seems overwhelming at first, but the point is to look at what you have accomplished, even if you've only done one or two of these things a day... or every few days. Trying to remind myself that.


Dec. 22, 2016 - Thursday

• Self care (shower, brush teeth, wash face, ate veggies)
• Eat three meals, however small (not sure if what I ate counts as three meals but okay)
• Sleep for 6-8 hours
• Relax for 10 minutes (mindfulness exercise)
• Accomplish one small task a day (made this list and got myself some food)
• Social contact (talked online to a few people, talked to woofelss
• Pleasure activities/hobbies (played games with woofelss , sang in the shower)
• Do something nice for yourself (ate cookies)
• Do something nice for someone else
• Replace negative thoughts with helpful thoughts

Dec. 23, 2016 - Friday

• Self care (shower, wash face, brush teeth)
• Eat three meals, however small 
• Sleep for 6-8 hours
• Relax for 10 minutes
• Accomplish one small task a day
• Social contact 
• Pleasure activities/hobbies 
• Do something nice for yourself 
• Do something nice for someone else
• Replace negative thoughts with helpful thoughts

Dec. 24, 2016 - Saturday

• Self care (shower, brush teeth, wash face)
• Eat three meals, however small 
• Sleep for 6-8 hours
• Relax for 10 minutes (in bed after waking up)
• Accomplish one small task a day (fed cats and kept them from stealing each others food)
• Social contact (Spent the day with woofelss  and the night doing a Steam version of secret Santa with people online)
• Pleasure activities/hobbies (spent time with cats, played new game, ate at Chilli's, etc.)
• Do something nice for yourself (bought myself Subnautica)
• Do something nice for someone else (bought Quinn three games for secret Santa and gave woofelss  a gift)
• Replace negative thoughts with helpful thoughts

Whoa, I thought I'd finish reading the 7 Cups for the Searching Soul self-help guide on 7 Cups, and I'm suddenly seeing a bunch of connections between what it's saying and BPD. I wouldn't be surprised if I came to the same conclusions or even wrote about them before because my memory is horrible. I'll still go ahead and write some of my thoughts down real quick because I might forget about them again.

Anyway, I was rereading "Chapter 2: Denial" when these connections stood out to me. Basically (and don't be surprised if I miss something here), we spend much of our younger lives learning and categorizing acceptable and inacceptable behavior based on feedback from our parents/caregivers. The guide states that the "bad" or the socially unaccepted behaviors don't go away; they're shoved into a bag deep in your unconscious instead. In the end, who we are ends up being a product of what others have trained us to be. We naturally seek approval and validation from others, and we use it to unconsciously shape who we are. But, obviously, this can get out of hand.

What if some traits were considered bad sometimes and good at other times? What if the "social training" was inconsistent? What if the person ended up confused? What would shape who they are? How would they know how to safely act in social situations?

What parts of the self would end up in the bag then? Would any traits even consistently stay in the bag? It seems like this would create an unstable sense of self that constantly feels like it doesn't know how to be socially acceptable--and is constantly looking for clues and validation for how it acts. It wouldn't know what's effective, and even if it did, it wouldn't trust its experience as much because things have been so unpredictable.

And, of course, unpredictability in early relationships affects what's considered appropriate behavior in later relationships.


This part really stood out to me. Children are naturally programmed to know that they need their parents, and they'll get anxious if their parents reject or negatively react to what they do. They need this person to live, so in order to survive, they have to learn how to properly act. If the validation for their actions was inconsistent or constantly changing, they might feel as if something terrible could happen no matter what they do. This reminds me of the relationship between someone (and I know this isn't everyone) with BPD and their "favorite person." It's almost as if it's a mirror of the child + caregiver relationship. The person with BPD has to be on guard at all times because they feel like relationships, at this point, aren't predictable.

Maybe I'll come back and rewrite this or word it better later.

SO it looks like the Prozac might actually be doing something. And that’s really surprising because I’ve tried a lot of medications, only a few of which were effective. I still think I have more of a variety in my mood, can think more clearly, and have more mental energy. Honestly, one of the most noticeable changes might be the lift of heavy fogginess in my head. Things also seem slightly more “colorful” and full of energy than before, and now my body seems to think that I only need 5-7 hours of sleep at night. Not sure if that’s a good thing.

One downside to having more mental energy is the moodiness. On days when I do have more variety in my mood, I can often get weepy or frustrated very easily. And that means I have to be more careful with splitting and black-and-white thinking. I think being stuck in such a low-energy state has helped me keep my emotions under control.

My psychiatric nurse also decided to prescribe me some low-dose lithium. That apparently can help with a variety of things.

I really appreciate my prescriber for not limiting me to small doses because of my weight. A lot of doctors I’ve been to have done that. Even if it’s a good idea, I’ve noticed that I often need much higher doses than expected to feel an effect (though there might be one or two meds that affect me more than expected). I’m supposed to continue sending her updates, and she might consider going up to 100mg (I think) because around 60-100mg is typical for the treatment of depression + OCD. I think she’s planning to slowly increase the lithium while keeping it at a relatively low dose.

If the Prozac is what’s improving my mood now (and I really think it is because I don’t think I normally feel this okay--especially in winter), it didn’t start helping with the depression until I got to about 60mg. Hopefully increasing the dose will improve my mood because I’m still not that functional like this.

Originally posted on Tumblr.

Using Snapchat is so much harder when you’re completely zoned out or dissociating. I often use it to talk to my partner, and let’s just say that I’m glad he understands this and doesn’t take offense to it. I apparently have a bad habit of looking at his snapchats and not having the slightest memory or feeling of opening them. He’ll then either ask if I’m okay or I’ll worry about him not messaging me and check snapchat to see that he’s sent me things, and I’ve even read them at some point. When he repeats something he’s said, it often doesn’t feel even slightly familiar. This can happen over and over again…

Then there’s the whole problem with literally falling asleep while typing.

Today's been better. Still getting that constant vertigo and weird bladder issues, but I've been able to manage. (To be honest, it got to the point where I lightly peed my pants yesterday without warning. It was during a time when the constantly-needing-to-pee feeling was finally leaving me alone for once. That feeling doesn't seem to trustworthy anymore, but I know my body's trying its best.) It's been the most productive day I've had in a while, even though I spent most of the time zoning out. Now that I think of it, I can't really remember what I've done today. I just know that I've checked a lot of items off my to-do list. I'm good with that.

It's only about 11:30PM (which isn't that late to me), and I'm ready to lie down in bed and instantly fall asleep. I've spent much of the past few hours eating and spending time with my family. (Maybe that's why I'm so exhausted.) We didn't have much of a variety, but the food was all really good--at least to me. It's been a while since I've had that much real food. We also picked up some gluten-free bready things from a nearby (meaning an hour away) bakery. I really wish my stomach could hold more of that stuff.

Compared to yesterday and the days before, everything feels a lot clearer, and I think I'm less depressed. At least I could say I'm much more motivated than before. I mean, there's no way I would've been able to get any of this stuff done during the last however many days. Maybe I'll continue to feel this way tomorrow.

Ugh, I can already feel it getting worse. I almost forgot how much of a “boost” summer gave me, and I can’t function that well for the rest of the year.

When it gets colder, my whole system seems to shut down. My body feels more achy, tired, and generally messed up. And my brain gets about 5x slower... as if it isn’t already slow enough. My motivation and memory get even worse, and I sleep more than usual. Whatever correlates with the lack-of-energy type of depression flares up. I basically end up hibernating for 3/4 of the year.

It’s really easy to forget when things have been warm for a while...

Originally posted on Tumblr.