Life Log

 





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I'll be transfering over to the local university next semester. These are the classes I'm planning on taking so far:

• The Dreaming Brain
• Abnormal Behavior
• Psychology of Personality (or something like that)

I'm taking three classes because I had a hard time with two last semester. But then again, I only end up with As in my classes, so I probably could take more. It just feels impossible for some reason I guess. This is probably my result of being unschooled up until I went to college. I'm not used to this stuff, and it's like it my results either have to be A-range, or I quit and "can't" do the assignment. I know I'll probably need to get over that, which probably means taking a full load of classes, but then again my mental health has been pretty bad lately, and I don't want to take on too much. 

Just to have it written down, I'm finishing up Psychology Statistics and College Algebra this semester (Fall 2020). It looks like I'll get good results in them, though it's been extremely overwhelming. 

A good thing about switching from a community college (or at least this specific community college) to a university is that I can actually get live lectures of my online classes. The community college I went to didn't offer that, and I'm pretty confident that having live lectures will make things easier and boost my mental health. Just going to the online orientation made me feel better for a little while. I'm pretty sure it's the first time I've really been around people (who aren't my nurses) since I've been stuck at home for who knows how many months at this point. It was really refreshing to actually get up, shower, do my makeup, and see real people on the screen. Some people might tell me to go ahead and shower and do my makeup regularly, because it seems like I'd feel better that way, but it's really not the same if I'm just going to be alone. I mean, it would probably make me feel a little better, but I doubt it's worth the effort of doing all that stuff. 

I noticed that i haven't posted much on here recently. I suppose I'll type out a little update. Warning: This is ending up negative. (This has been manually crossposted onto other sites. Originally posted on Waterfall.social.)

Things are definitely getting harder the longer we have to stay inside. Apparently that three-year period of time when I left the house once or twice a month didn't get me used to it. It's hard to tell if I'll personally be able to adapt, but ah, oh well I guess.

So my mental health has been worse, particularly the depression. I've been trying to keep up with doing stuff like watching shows, reading things, and playing games, but it's honestly been really hard to get myself off the floor, a place where I spend much of my time lying down miserably.

I've also been isolating big-time, but I guess I've been doing that for years now, due to depressive and avoidant symptoms. And once you've been avoiding people for years, it's really hard to get back into talking to them anyway. I've been trying, telling myself that maybe they don't hate me because they're inviting me back, but it's hard. I don't know what to think. i don't want to make the assumption that they want to talk to me.

Social media does help me feel a little more connected to others, though!

On the bright side, I guess I'm getting my medications (slowly) changed, and I'm going to therapy again.

Oh, and I'm not sure if I've said this, but my partner and i are fostering kittens! It does help with my mental state for multiple reasons, including the fact that we have to have a schedule for taking care of them. For example, they have to be fed four times in 24 hours.

Anyway, I might post more later. I didn't expect this to be about my mental health, but I guess I'll post it anyway? How are you guys doing?

 I might be back. I've mostly been using Vent to keep up with my life, but this site is useful, too. Today was a stressful day. I had therapy, a psych appointment, and a bunch of people texting me. I'll be trying a higher dose of Wellbutrin, and I should see results (if I'm going to) in four to six weeks. I've been reading One Piece and have a lot of books piled up to read. I'm very bad at getting around to doing that. Oh, and I'm also reading Witch Hat Atelier, which my brother got me for my birthday (late), and The Body Keeps the Score, which I started reading for my health psychology class. I want to finish it so I can move onto books about the prison system and racism. Maybe I can set a certain amount to read everyday, though it's doubtful that I'll actually do it. I'm also taking two classes right now. I didn't want to take more because of how much I hate online classes. I'm sure things will be like this for a while, though. 

• Bought workout bands and oats from the store.
• Delivered a package at USPS.
• Picked up mail at USPS.
• Played "A Way Out" with the partner. 
• Took care of the cats.

Probably more that I can't think of.

I want to come back to this site every now and then, but if I were to use this site somewhat actively again, I'd probably have to unsubscribe from a lot of people, and I hate doing that. Just a thought.

It's been a while since I've been on this site. I think the amount of people I was following started to overwhelm me, so I should probably do something about that. I have a horrible memory so I'll probably unsubscribe to all the wrong people, though. 

I had an idea to maybe listen to an unfamiliar album each day and track it here... and maybe start posting again while I'm at it.

Catching up on my Reading Page again. 

Things have calmed down at home for a little while, and now my parents are almost "getting along." And that scares me. Turns out they're not getting the divorce now, so this whole process of things being "fine" and suddenly chaotic (which spins out and affects other people) is going to repeat itself. It seems like it's continuing to get worse, too, but sometimes things get worse before they get better? ...Yeah, I doubt that's the case here, though I can't predict too much with the observation of it getting worse. 

Agh, now I have that restless depressed feeling and don't know what to do about it. 

Michael just went to his internship. Today is the lab work day. Last time he spent it dealing with liquid (for DNA I think) and labeling vials. I'm assuming today won't be much different. Before he left, we watched a couple more episodes of Steven Universe, and WOW, I keep forgetting how comforting that show is. Watching it for me is kind of like being reborn and forgetting a bunch of social norms I barely knew I had. It's hard to explain.

My face is breaking out again, and this began soon after I stopped taking the low-dose antibiotic. My dermatologist thought that at least some of my facial skin problems were related to the MCAS, especially because my skin appears to be doing a thing that involves cells that closely interact with mast cells (or something). I forgot the name of the condition, but it involves continued flushing. My doctor prescribed the low-dose antibiotics because not only does it help with my specific skin issues; he's also seen research on it improving MCAS symptoms. I'm bad at noticing changes in symptoms, so it's hard to tell if stopping it did anything that isn't skin related, but I have been getting more bad headaches lately... I'll try to keep that in mind.

The beach trip is over. woofelss (AKA my fp/partner/Michael) is back. It seems like a lot of the uneasiness should've disappeared by now, but does it ever? It's still hard to process him being back. I guess I did okay at remaining neutral for most of the week. It's just hard to snap out of feeling and caring about so little.

We just called online and played WoW together. Tomorrow, I should be going to his house where we'll... we're not sure yet, though it'd be nice to get out of the house. His house would be a nice change, but my brain is begging to go to anywhere that's not a house in general right now. Pretty sure I've only left the house once or twice after getting surgery done. 

Guess that's it for tonight. My mind keeps going blank.