cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I don't have much to say about today other than the fact that I've been doing better than expected today. Maybe it's because of zoning out, but... I don't think it's that bad today. Of course, that makes me worry that I'm going to blow up later, which is likely. I don't know. This is weird.

Partner is still at the beach. I went on a walk--movement suggested for me to do after surgery--with my dad. It helped me realize that my legs are still wobbly, and I wasn't doing as well as I thought I was, but it was nice to move around for once. Now I'm still hooked up to the bone stimulator and just got the PICC line running. At least these things are a good excuse for not moving or trying to get much done around the house. 

Now I'm back to BDO and phone games, both of which require me to do nothing and just wait sometimes. Then I don't know what to do (orrr start writing this post).

Since I mentioned getting stuff done around the house, maybe I'll go more into that and at least stop avoiding thoughts about it. The whole house is a mess. Honestly, I think most of my family has given up on it. That includes me. I don't know the last time I had a clear head and motivation to work on something. Doing 5 minutes of work at a time worked at first... now I'm having a hard time doing that, or even looking in different directions. Now, fixing all of these messes sounds impossible.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I guess this would be true in more ways than one. The FP has left for his beach trip, with its approach probably being connected to the random bouts of paranoia I've been getting. (No, this is not an excuse for how I act or treat people when I am feeling that way.) It's a big impact on him, too, and randomly turning on him has to be making it worse. Not a good setup. It's also a "big day" to some other people apparently. My dad just left for a wedding with his big tripod and lots of other things. (He's really into photography. I don't know if I'd even call it a "hobby" anymore.) I'm assuming someone in his family is getting married again. Pretty sure there was at least one divorce recently.

I'll probably be home zoning out. Like usual, nothing feels worth doing unless it's instantly rewarding. If I get too obsessive with something, especially while in this depressed/zoned out state, it drags me further into it. I probably need to do a variety of things and stop feeding this state. But what's beyond this state? How do I know that changing my state of mind will be worth the effort. For all I know, it could be impossible. I don't know. 

Just need to stop making this impact him. It's kind of late to come up with a plan, though.

Honestly, I think emotions began building up a while ago. Or there was some change. I almost thought the trip would be okay because, most of the time, my emotions didn't have much of a reaction to it. I've seen him go on this trip for several years now, and I couldn't remember ever feeling this calm about it... except maybe after he's left, when I'm able to go deep into a dissociative state. But soon before the surgery, I think I started getting some auditory hallucinations for the first time in a while. It's hard to remember with my brain throwing memories in the trash, but I think it's been even worse over the past few days. Come to think of it, I've also barely slept over the past few nights. I've also barely slept for two days, something I almost thought was unrelated to the beach trip because, for much of the time, I was really numb and felt okay. Me, a narcolept, has barely slept for two days. And this sort of thing rarely happens to me unless I feel overly restless and energetic--certainly not numb. So, yeah, I think this stuff affects my unconscious long before I'm aware of something being wrong.

Wow, it's only about 1PM right now. So used to an hour going by in what feels like 10 minutes.

My FP has so much has so much ahead of him. He's doing well in his classes, got invited to join an internship program, is probably the most sympathetic person I know, has what looks like a supportive family, and... so many other things. And now I'm negatively impacting all of that. 

Why am I sitting here complaining when I need to work on getting it under control? Probably should go to counseling again (there were a few problems the last few times). It just... sounds so overwhelming. I'm on medication. It takes a while to figure out what's working in that area, too. It'd be a lot simpler if I never met him/got close to him and none of this ever happened. I don't know how much counseling helped anyway. They did a lot to redirect my anger and realize something that might be having a negative effect on me, which cleared things up for all of us, but... I don't know how it's supposed to help. This reminds me of being in the car back from counseling after 6+ months of going weekly, and they'd ask about improvement (or one of them would). I could never tell. Now when I think about talk therapy at least, it sounds weird to think so much about improvement. Maybe it's just me. It's kind of like one of the mindfulness rules: Your goal is not to change or feel better; it is to help you live in the present moment. (Something like that.) 

Anyway, my mind blanked out, and that's probably a good thing. Be back with another not-so-great and way-too-personal mess of an entry soon probably!! 

Unsure

Apr. 20th, 2017 08:50 pm
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
There's been a lot going on for me lately, so prepare for more negative posts than usual (not that I have many posts on here anyway). I spend a lot of time trying not to process negative thoughts, and when I write on here, I can kind of touch the surface of doing that. Maybe I'll be able to talk about more difficult subjects in the future.

What's been going on? To be honest, it takes a while for me to fish it out of my brain. I'll try to list some things.
  1. Spine/brain surgery. This one hasn't affected me too much, possibly because I disconnect from so many things and can't tell what I'm feeling until it gets bad (ooops...). The thing I'm most worried about has to be the recovery time. I don't know if I can handle being even more stuck in the house mentally. 
  2. Possibly moving to New Mexico. Almost forgot about this one. The plan is to move by next fall. Don't get me wrong. I love traveling and spending time in different places, but I have some pretty bad experiences with moving that aren't directly related to the move itself. It's complicated and a scary subject for me.
  3.  My FP might have to go on a beach trip with some old friends. This is probably the scariest thing for me even though it sounds like nothing. It's happened before, but my brain seems to delete memories like that. I'm scared of my paranoid ideas finally being proved as true, and I'm scared of entering a rage due to finding something like that out. It doesn't sound reasonable, but talking me out of it won't help. If anything, it'll probably make me more suspicious of you. I'm trying to work through this and improve.
  4. Family drama. I'm not going to publically go into detail, but there's been a lot of chaos in my family lately. Recently, I found out that it's a bigger deal than I thought. Overall, it adds to all the confusion and makes it harder to trust anyone's perceptions, including mine.
And that's what came to mind (on top of the usual difficulties). I don't know what I'm going to do right now. This was written to try to express and organize my thoughts by the way. No need for commenting or anything. 

cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Not sure why I'm attempting to post something now considering the fact that my mind is so blank. Just got back from a long appointment. Actually, the appointment wasn't that long itself, but the trip plus chaos and drama in the car took up time and energy. I feel so empty right now but am scared of trying to fill that empty spot... just so it doesn't feel like I keep losing everything again... if that makes any sense. 

On the bright side, just being able to type out words and hear the clicking of my keyboard seems to be grounding me. I think I feel like I have more freedom, too. 

I hate being reminded of all the time and resources I take up by existing. Being sick... being an incompetent person who doesn't do anything... the fact that my family already has enough trouble with conditions that doctors/researchers don't know much about... me being really hard to deal with in general... I don't know. And, because of a lot of this, I'm the reason someone wants to die.

I'm starting to numb everything out more, but I hate what feeling nothing... feels like. The more time I spend feeling nothing, the worse this restless emptiness feeling gets. (So I can't say I'm really "feeling nothing" after a certain period of time.)

Anyway, the reason I had the cardiologist appointment today was because I needed him to sign off that, from his perspective, I was ready for surgery. (Can't remember if I've talked about this here yet, but some doctor finally ran the right tests and found something that was "significantly" wrong with my cervical spine. C1 and C2 are slipping off of eachother way too much, and there seems to be some deformities in that area as well. Plus there's wayyy too much space in between them. Like C1 was 2x or 3x further above C2 than it should be. (Will my neck be noticeably shorter after surgery???) And because I have a mild Chiari malformation issue and spinal fluid blockage (or however you say it), he'll be removing a bone behind my neck as well. 

Also, some important veins can be temporarily closed off by my neck subluxing, so that could explain the vision loss and floaters I get when putting my head in certain positions, especially when my POTS is acting up.

To keep going with this updating thing, I also got a PICC line inserted at some point (for IV saline five days a week). With all my ups and downs, it's hard to tell how much it's helped, but one thing we know for sure is that I gained 6 pounds since starting the treatment. I'm still underweight, but holy shit, I don't think I've ever weighed this much. Since some point before the fluids, my BMI (yes, I know that system isn't perfect, but it's a way to show the changes) has gone from low 16 to high 17. So I'm almost up to a "normal" weight, though I seem to have smaller bones that anyone else I' remember meeting, so I could be closer to a "normal" weight than I thought. Fuck you, dehydration!!

Typing all that was distracting. I should probably get something to eat. Back to the weight thing, I haven't even been eating that much lately due to mental health reasons. I wonder if I could get up to 110--I mean I only have 6-7 (depending) pounds to go. But. yeah. food. I'll probably put that off for a little longer, and then we'll see.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
It’s that time of day when I’m more aware of how empty I feel, and I start feeling really anxious and tense. I’m trying to figure out what I could do today that’s either meaningful or enjoyable, but nothing is meaningful, and everything that doesn’t have a meaningful effect usually isn’t enjoyable. I’m probably anxious because I feel like I’m wasting time, need to make a decision (or many decisions), and like I need to quickly find something meaningful in some way because I can’t take the feeling of just existing. And basically my biggest fear is just existing.

One thing I’ve never been able to understand is people who are satisfied with a “normal” life… people being content with having a family, an okay job, friends, and a normal house. (Yikes, hopefully this doesn’t sound as… ungrateful as I think it does.) Just thinking about that future scares me. Being stuck in the house for much of the time would make things so much worse for me.

What do I prefer over that lifestyle? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I do, but then that future will become pointless, too. I don’t know if my environment could ever make me content. I could keep myself moving to get that “rush” feeling that boosts my mood, but I don’t have the mental/physical energy to keep that up. I’m going to have to learn how to just exist… somehow.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Realizing (again) how much my house has calmed down over the past however many months. And even several months ago, things might’ve still been better off than they were years ago. The problem is that things were more... consistent(?) back then. Now, things can be fine for several days... then something big will hit out of nowhere. Often, there isn’t even a sign or a warning; it just happens. Sometimes things will even go really well, and I’ll start to fall into that hole of trusting, but it ends up being used against me. Good thing I’m starting to get used to that now, and it doesn’t hurt as much. I think I keep going back and forth between “expose everything, put your armor on, and prepare for the worst,” and “only reveal something when it proves useful to you.” Obviously, those are more black-and-white thoughts because my brain can’t take uncertainty. But nothing is certain enough no matter how hard it tries, and I think that confuses it. So one method will feel safe for a while... until it shows how inconsistent it is.

And like I was going to say, things in my house have calmed down more, yes, but they’re also more consistent. I often start to zone out more when things are quiet and beg for something--anything, including things like surgery--to happen and distract me. Not being able to leave the house in several weeks makes things worse.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I really need to learn more about politics and at least how our political system works.

Actually, I need to learn about a lot of things, including my health conditions, how to drive, how to be an adult… I never know what to focus on first, and when I do think about researching something, my brain just shuts down and doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Then, because saying I’ll look into it later isn’t definite, I get overwhelmed about that, and my brain tells me that I’ll just live like this. After all, I don’t plan on staying here for too long… if I do, I’ll figure something out. Maybe. As long as I don’t have to worry about it now.
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
My old best friend has returned (again), and old patterns are already starting to repeat themselves.

I made myself leave her because she spread false/exaggerated rumors about me, lied about a bunch of other things, continuously stuck her hands in her boyfriend’s pants in public (yes, he kept begging her to stop), asked why his feelings mattered, spread lies about him too, made rape jokes, kept asking questions because she knew my response was something she could insult me with, cheated on her boyfriend and laughed about it, etc.

Then she said she’d kill herself and sent pics of her harming herself to try to get him to stay. Pretty sure that, less than a month later, she started dating the next “love of her life.”

And she convinced people we both know to tell me what a horrible friend I am. No, I definitely wasn’t perfect, and there were times I avoided her. Honestly, I didn’t feel comfortable around her but since I didn’t have any other real friends, I assumed her behavior was “normal.”

Even when I started to realize that it wasn’t, I knew she was suffering and went along with much of what she did. Or I tried to at least. To be completely honest, there were times I also got mad–mostly to defend her boyfriend, who I also knew pretty well.

Today, she asked me last minute to come to some mall. I opened it late and figured that it was too late at that point and just didn’t respond. Later that night, she send a snap of her crying along with the text, “why don’t you talk to me?” Then she instantly sent another that said, “oops, wrong person.” That was followed by even MORE pics of her crying while talking about how she cried like every day this week. I really didn’t know how to respond because we don’t talk, and she said the first snap was a mistake.

Not too long later, someone we both know messaged me about how sad my old friend was about how I wouldn't respond to her…. but she said she sent that to the wrong person??? And I really didn’t want to get involved in this again, no matter how guilty I felt.

I think one thing that helped me stay away from her was her talking about how much I ruined her life when we talked, too. So I try to tell myself that it’s the best choice for both of us, no matter how much she and other people hate me because of it.

It’s already been a bad enough night, but this wouldn’t shouldn’t be about me, should it?

Originally posted
on Tumblr. 
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
So I made that horrible decision of interacting with other humans. Time to probably make even more bad decisions to “cope” with the fact that I don’t say anything that makes sense and just can’t interact with people in general--even those I’ve known for a long time. As soon as things go somewhat well, and I let people be somewhat important to me, I mess everything up with my lack of social skills and talk when I really, really shouldn’t. What’s the point anyway? I only seem to feel somewhat unexposed and okay when I’m alone. So much fucking regret. Every single time. And I just. keep. doing. it.

I’m going to try my best to stay away from everyone, but that never lasts. I can’t seem to learn.

sorry

Nov. 17th, 2016 11:15 pm
cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
I can’t even think of anything you’ve done wrong recently. It’s all stuff from the past that suddenly comes back from somewhere in the depths of my head when you act and feel this way. I feel like I’m being emotionally attacked, and at this point, I can’t even remember what happened in the past that came back into my mind. Wouldn’t be surprising if I was just overreacting to the same kind of thing that’s happening now. Every now and then, I snap out of it and realize it’s not happening anymore… realize how hurt and broken you sound. You apologized… even after I couldn’t hold back all of my frustration. I’m so, so, so confused. Maybe I always was. I’m sorry.

Originally posted on Tumblr. 

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cathugger: An orange-and-white cat facing to the left. The front of this face is fading into shadows. (Default)
Ashley

June 2017

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