Life Log

I said I wanted more weird dream/sleep experiences. After all, they've been one of the few things I've been laughing at lately. I talked about one where I grabbed window shades to stop myself from falling, only to realize that, by then, I was awake and on my bed. Though there was a decent chance I could've broken the shades, all the laughing about it after was refreshing. So I sincerely wanted something like that to happen again.

Somehow, it took me a while to notice this, but often fall into a light sleep for short periods of time when comfortable enough. This is most noticeable when I'm texting someone, and a long line of random letters appears on my screen out of nowhere. It doesn't feel like I fell asleep at all. If anything, it feels like I zoned out for a second or two, but the number of letters that appeared on my screen pointed to it being much longer than that. 

I didn't think I was randomly falling asleep like this until after the sleep study. During the daytime tests, when I had to lie in bed for 10-15 minute segments while they read my brain waves, I didn't think I slept at all, but the people running the test kept walking in saying that I was asleep and in R.E.M. somehow. So I started paying attention to the random "zoning out" moments, and they're slowly starting to reveal some dream-like qualities. 

Anyway, this morning I started playing a game on my phone, and it didn't take long for me to start "zoning out." As I was slowly becoming more conscious, I noticed that my thumb was on the home button (which is also a fingerprint scanner, used for unlocking the phone and making payments and other important things) and assumed I was just unlocking my phone because it went into sleep mode or something. Then I realized that 1. I was still in the game, not on the lock screen, and 2. A MESSAGE JUST POPPED UP SAYING THAT I MADE A PAYMENT. ($25.00. It wasn't one of the cheaper options.) The game was full of ads for offers costing real money, yes, but my fingers managed to tap actual buttons and move my thumb to the home button at the right time. I couldn't tell if this was more impressive or scary. It was...shocking... for sure.

It's kind of like my unconscious side is learning how to do more and more on its own, and I'm going to have to kid proof (can't think of a better descriptor) things so I'm not cleaning up its messes later. (I guess I already kind of do this with emotional splitting, which doesn't seem that different from doing things in my sleep from this angle.) I'm also finding it way too interesting because brain-related stuff like this is right up my alley. And even though living with narcolepsy (though some people may have these experiences without it) can be H A R D, it's also comparable to living in multiple realities at once: hopping between them without much control, not knowing which reality a memory came from, having to piece together what actually happened, and, in a way, having more experiences that aren't linked chronologically... but through thought processes the brain has created a path between. Basically, it gives me something to figure out and is making me more familiar with how brains can work.

If this doesn't end up making sense, don't bother making sense of it. I can't really... "word" right now, and when I come up with a word, it feels off, and I'm unsure about using it. Basically, everything is a mess. I thought it'd be better to get something out now then forget this ever happened another day and not record it.

-Okay, you can stop explaining yourself now.

I didn't think that Vyvanse was helping that much, but switching from 50mg once a day to 30mg twice a day seems to be making a huge difference. Falling asleep is even easier than it was before, and being depressed, I've been taking that to my advantage. Now, when I'm stuck at home for most of the day, I spend a lot of time sleeping. I guess I got used to the effects of the other dose because I don't remember fighting quite this hard to stay awake, even when I was unmedicated. At least this shows that something is working. I need to contact my psych nurse (who seems to know more about narcolepsy than my sleep specialist did), but I've been lacking so much energy and motivation. Since much of my depression seems dopamine-related, I might be going downhill in that area, too. I don't think the adrenaline rushes have been that bad since changing the dose, though.