Benefits of Inconsistency

[cathugger]

Realizing (again) how much my house has calmed down over the past however many months. And even several months ago, things might’ve still been better off than they were years ago. The problem is that things were more... consistent(?) back then. Now, things can be fine for several days... then something big will hit out of nowhere. Often, there isn’t even a sign or a warning; it just happens. Sometimes things will even go really well, and I’ll start to fall into that hole of trusting, but it ends up being used against me. Good thing I’m starting to get used to that now, and it doesn’t hurt as much. I think I keep going back and forth between “expose everything, put your armor on, and prepare for the worst,” and “only reveal something when it proves useful to you.” Obviously, those are more black-and-white thoughts because my brain can’t take uncertainty. But nothing is certain enough no matter how hard it tries, and I think that confuses it. So one method will feel safe for a while... until it shows how inconsistent it is.

And like I was going to say, things in my house have calmed down more, yes, but they’re also more consistent. I often start to zone out more when things are quiet and beg for something--anything, including things like surgery--to happen and distract me. Not being able to leave the house in several weeks makes things worse.