Just Existing

[cathugger]

It’s that time of day when I’m more aware of how empty I feel, and I start feeling really anxious and tense. I’m trying to figure out what I could do today that’s either meaningful or enjoyable, but nothing is meaningful, and everything that doesn’t have a meaningful effect usually isn’t enjoyable. I’m probably anxious because I feel like I’m wasting time, need to make a decision (or many decisions), and like I need to quickly find something meaningful in some way because I can’t take the feeling of just existing. And basically my biggest fear is just existing.

One thing I’ve never been able to understand is people who are satisfied with a “normal” life… people being content with having a family, an okay job, friends, and a normal house. (Yikes, hopefully this doesn’t sound as… ungrateful as I think it does.) Just thinking about that future scares me. Being stuck in the house for much of the time would make things so much worse for me.

What do I prefer over that lifestyle? I honestly don’t know. Sometimes I do, but then that future will become pointless, too. I don’t know if my environment could ever make me content. I could keep myself moving to get that “rush” feeling that boosts my mood, but I don’t have the mental/physical energy to keep that up. I’m going to have to learn how to just exist… somehow.