The Stress of Learning

I really need to learn more about politics and at least how our political system works.

Actually, I need to learn about a lot of things, including my health conditions, how to drive, how to be an adult… I never know what to focus on first, and when I do think about researching something, my brain just shuts down and doesn’t want to have anything to do with it. Then, because saying I’ll look into it later isn’t definite, I get overwhelmed about that, and my brain tells me that I’ll just live like this. After all, I don’t plan on staying here for too long… if I do, I’ll figure something out. Maybe. As long as I don’t have to worry about it now.

Benefits of Inconsistency

Realizing (again) how much my house has calmed down over the past however many months. And even several months ago, things might’ve still been better off than they were years ago. The problem is that things were more... consistent(?) back then. Now, things can be fine for several days... then something big will hit out of nowhere. Often, there isn’t even a sign or a warning; it just happens. Sometimes things will even go really well, and I’ll start to fall into that hole of trusting, but it ends up being used against me. Good thing I’m starting to get used to that now, and it doesn’t hurt as much. I think I keep going back and forth between “expose everything, put your armor on, and prepare for the worst,” and “only reveal something when it proves useful to you.” Obviously, those are more black-and-white thoughts because my brain can’t take uncertainty. But nothing is certain enough no matter how hard it tries, and I think that confuses it. So one method will feel safe for a while... until it shows how inconsistent it is.

And like I was going to say, things in my house have calmed down more, yes, but they’re also more consistent. I often start to zone out more when things are quiet and beg for something--anything, including things like surgery--to happen and distract me. Not being able to leave the house in several weeks makes things worse.